The Beach
by bellaBBblack
Summary: A/U, A/H.  A tragedy in young Bella's life causes her to flee her home and her first love.  Coming back years later, what will she find?  And how can she fix what she broke?
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

The setting sunlight danced across the water. The soft glow of twilight was bittersweet. I hugged my knees to my chest and buried my bare feet further into the warm sand. I couldn't help but feel sad when I came here to watch the sunset. It reminded me of him. The scene was all wrong—a warm sandy beach instead of the cold rocky one back home—but still so close to those long lost summer days I never let myself remember. But my heart wouldn't let me forget.

I missed him.

I guessed I would always miss him.

That cool summer night when he'd finally stopped just blurring the friendship lines and pushed them aside altogether came to mind, taking me back to a simpler time. It was all so easy then, effortless, like breathing. We had been best friends all our lives-our parents best friends for most of theirs. We even spent most holidays together. For months, it seemed, he had been blurring the lines, testing the boundaries. He'd hold my hand as we walked down the beach, tuck a hair behind my ear, or wrap his arms around me as we sat around the bonfire. There was a quiet fire I could see dancing in his dark eyes, along with a cautious hopefulness when I didn't pull away. I was nervous at the prospect of our progressing relationship. I had only ever dated one other boy: Mike Newton. He had been hounding me all of sophomore year, and finally, one day, I gave in. I agreed to one date-dinner and a movie. One turned into two, and then a third with Angela and Ben tagging along. Before I knew it, the whole school was talking. I tried to end it without hurting his feelings. I mean, he was cute and nice, in the adorable-puppy-that–eats-your-shoes kind of way, but I had no interest in dating Mike Newton.

He didn't talk to me for several weeks following that conversation.

So, that night, when Jake and I had walked away from the crowded bonfire and strolled down the beach, my stomach was full of butterflies. On some level, I had always been in love with him. He was warm, easy going, and incredibly sweet. But lately, he'd become so much more than my loveable, carefree friend. He was tall, his muscles had filled out in all the right places, and every girl noticed him when he walked by. Somehow, he seemed never to care. There was also a passion burning in his eyes, a new confidence in his gait. We ended up stopping at an old bleached piece of driftwood that was half buried in the sand and sat down. For just a moment, the moon broke through the clouds, bathing us in a romantic glow as it glittered across the dark ocean waters. He dropped my hand and wrapped both arms around me, pulling me impossibly close, until I was sitting between his legs. I shivered from his touch. In this close proximity, I could feel the heat of his body soaking through the thin fabric of my shirt. I gulped loudly. My heart was hammering away, threatening to rip out of my chest, and I prayed that he couldn't hear it, too. He brought one large hand up to my chin and turned me to face him. Our lips were but a breath apart. I looked up to meet his eyes-they were almost black-I could see the moonlight shining in them. In one agonizingly slow movement, he leaned forward and tenderly brushed his lips against mine. The sensation was warm and soft and everything I had ever dreamed of. He applied a little more pressure, and soon, our lips were moving together; my lips parted, and our tongues met. We continued to kiss beneath the soft moonlight, the bonfire crackling in the distance, until we were stealing the breaths from each other's lungs. In that moment, the entire world faded away, and I was lost in my first kiss with Jacob Black.

"Bella?" Edward's velvety voice broke through my reverie, abruptly bringing me back to the present. He sat down next to me in the sand, throwing his arm around my shoulders.

"Are you okay, love?" he asked. I looked over at him with a small smile on my lips and nodded. I knew he could see the truth in my eyes-I'm sure they were glistening with unshed tears. But he didn't push. He never did. He had long ago accepted my refusal to talk about the past or why I left home, why I refused to return. It had been five years since I was home, and the ache in my heart was still the same. Sometimes, it seemed like only yesterday that I left. I could still feel his warm, strong arms wrapped around me, and his kiss still tingled on my lips. I could see the pain flicker in his dark eyes; I could still hear his desperate plea for me to stay. But I couldn't. The scars were too deep, and I was too scared. I ran from him, from us, from the memories, from the pain. I found myself in southern California, and even with the life I had somehow built for myself, I still couldn't seem to let him go. He left a shadow across my heart that kept me from moving forward, from loving another with the same reckless abandon.

Edward kissed my temple and pulled me closer, and I could feel the guilt in my gut. He loved me. I had once hoped it to be enough—enough to forget, to wash away the pain. Maybe if I could start a new life, have a new family… And Edward was a wonderful man. He's polite, reformed. His family was wealthy, his father was a renowned doctor, and his entire family had accepted me as a part of theirs. He, however, was sometimes as guarded as me. He wasn't an emotional man. Where Jacob was passionate and wore his heart on his sleeve, Edward was not. I knew he'd never let me all the way in.

Maybe that's why I stayed.

It was safe. The love we shared was enjoyable; it made life bearable, but it would never be enough to fill the emptiness I felt inside. But it could also never destroy me. I ran away from Jake because I thought I could prevent the loss of him destroying me. Instead, what I found was emptiness and numbness.

I sighed as I laid my head against Edward's shoulder and stared out into the dark blue waters. The sun had almost completely disappeared, leaving us in calm darkness. Another memory flashed before my eyes.

Jake and I had driven out to the beach, parking my old truck in the sand. We brought plenty of blankets and pillows to lie in the back with. The air was chilly on that autumn night, but I was warm in Jake's embrace. Our kisses quickly grew hungry that night, his lips soft and warm, urgent and needy against mine. My fingers tangled in his shaggy black hair, and his hands elicited tingles as they skimmed my sides. He stopped at the hem of my shirt, breaking the kiss to search my eyes for permission. I nodded once, emphatically. Every part of me wanted every part of him. He lifted the shirt off over my head, bringing his lips back to mine for a moment before he began placing kisses up my jawline, whispering in my ear,"_I'll love you forever, Bells."_ His husky voice sent waves of warmth and desire coursing through my veins and burning across my skin. His rough hands brushed across my middle, trailing tingles across my sensitive skin. His fingers hooked in the waistband of my jeans, tugging and pulling until they slipped smoothly off my legs and landed softly on the ground. I arched into his touch, exposing my neck and beckoning his kisses, his lips, his warmth.

He made love to me that night on the beach, beneath the romantic glow of a full moon and the soft twinkling of the stars. There was something so beautiful, so raw and so pure about the way Jake loved me-so incredibly basic and simple that it was like a necessity, like the air I needed to breathe or the water I needed to live. The fire that flickered in his dark eyes, that I could feel in the way he reverently touched me, was so intense, his love and passion a tangible, living, breathing entity. No matter how many times he told me he loved me or wanted me or how beautiful he believed me to be, it paled in comparison to the words and promises only his lips on mine, skin on skin, our bodies connected, his touch, could show.

He whispered sweetly, tenderly in my ear, each and every time I called out his name. _"Forever."_ He repeated it over and over again, like a reminder and a promise. I could still feel that single word echo in my hollow chest, screaming in my tired mind.

"Let's go home, love." Edward's voice once again brought me back from my memory. The wound in my chest was burning and festering with fresh pain; new tears pricked at my eyes. I nodded once, and he stood, taking my hand to help me to my feet. His hand wrapped around mine as we made our way back up the beach to the home we shared. I tried to leave the memories here, at the beach. To love this man next to me.

But all too often, I found myself alone on the sand, wishing for the man I left behind.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The home I shared with Edward sat on the sand. The beach sloped upward, leading to a small, wooden deck that wrapped around the white-washed walls. There were two large, French doors that led from the deck to a large kitchen and opened up to a family/dining room. The paint was a cool yellow, the curtains and pillows much the same. We walked hand in hand into the kitchen, and I began making our dinner.

We talked some, mostly about work and the weather. I slowly let the melancholy I felt from earlier be replaced with the familiar routine and feeling of security Edward's presence provided. He was a few years older than me, completing the final year of his residency at the hospital where his father worked. He was handsome with his angled jaw, tousled reddish-brown hair, and mesmerizing green eyes. He was covered in lean muscle. But there was always a faint shadow beneath his eyes, almost bruise-like-evidence of his sleepless years of medical training. He smiled his crooked smile at me, and I felt myself let go, if only for a little while.

After dinner, I was elbow deep in warm soapy water when I felt his cool arms snake around my waist, pulling me flush against his chest. He placed a few sweet, tender kisses against my temple, my cheek, and the curve of my neck. I felt myself relax in his embrace. A small part of me did love him, and so I'd let him love me tonight. Hoping to fill the hole in my chest, to keep the pain and the loss from consuming me tonight, I turned to face him, brushing my lips against his. He scooped me up into his arms and carried me into the bedroom we'd shared for the past two years.

For one fleeting moment, I left behind the broken Bella I'd become and became a girl that loved Edward. There were no fireworks, no promises of undying love. He whispered tenderly against my skin, but I couldn't hear the words. I could give him my body, share with him my days and my nights, my bed, the hum-drum things that made up our everyday life, but that was all. There was a part of me that would forever belong to another, a part of me that was a thousand miles away on the cold, rocky beaches of La Push, under a constant cover of clouds and rain, a part that ached for him, beat for only him… my heart. Edward's soft snores filled the room, and I lay there in his arms, longing for another's.

I don't know how long I lay there, feeling numb to all the emotions, to life itself. The temporary reprieve that Edward's presence allowed had slipped through my fingers, and now all I could feel was the sadness and the pain, the wishful thinking, mindless dreaming fantasies that only brought more tears. I left the comfort of our bed, grabbed my thin cotton robe off the chair next to the bed, and wrapped it around me. I stepped out onto the balcony, breathing in the salty, early morning air.

Instead of images of him, of Jake, my memories turned to her. My mother. She was carefree, careless even. She lived life without apology, without regret, with the kind of reckless abandon I longed for. I could close my eyes and still see her smiling face, hear her ridiculous laughter, her words of wisdom. But those warm, happy memories could only hold so long before I remembered the last time I saw her. She was lying in a hospital bed, hooked up to a million machines, the steady beep of the heart monitor the only semblance of life. I tried to ignore the blood that seemed to be everywhere, the team of doctors and nurses desperately trying to save her life, the way they had been all night. I just clung to her hand, whispering silent prayers. I knew when the activity that had been buzzing around her began to wane that it was only a matter of time. I heard the doctors saying something to my dad, but it sounded so far away, so distant. The whole scene was completely surreal.

It was an accident, they said.

I stood on the beach that day, after we buried her with my shoes in my hand and unshed tears swimming in my eyes. When I felt Jake's warm arms wrap around me, holding me together, I finally let the tears fall.

I was only eighteen the summer she died.

A few weeks later, I had packed up as much as I could into my rusty red Chevy that Jake had built for me and accepted a scholarship to USC.

Before I could stop myself, his brown eyes popped into my mind. They were full of indescribable emotions that day I said goodbye. We stood next to my truck as he had just finished loading the last of the boxes into the back. I kept my eyes focused on the ground, fighting the tears away. I hadn't said I was leaving him, that I was never coming back, that I was really running away from him before I lost him too. Every day I stayed, I fell a little more in love with him; every day I stayed, I was afraid I would lose him too and be broken beyond repair. I didn't say any of this when he cupped his hands around my face and forced my eyes to meet his.

But he knew. I could see the fear, the hopelessness, the pain, swimming in his dark eyes. I could see the desperate plea to stay, the love only he could promise flickering in those deep pools of almost black. But those weren't the words that came out of his mouth. No promises, no pleas. He lowered his head, tenderly brushing his lips against mine. Two tears slid from each of our eyes, trickling down until I could taste the saltiness on our lips. I closed my eyes. His lips left mine and pressed against my ear.

"Forever," he said in a broken, husky whisper before I felt his warmth leave my body. I climbed into my truck and chanced one last glance in the review mirror. He was standing on the curb, tears glistening in his eyes, and he let them fall, unashamed.

He had said that word to me a hundred times.

A thousand, maybe.

Each time as a promise, as an answer, as a vow, as a prayer.

I was wrong to have left, wrong to think leaving him then could hurt less than losing him later. I was wrong to believe leaving behind that little rain-soaked corner of Washington could rid me of the pain of losing of her. For a long time, I drowned in that misery.

And then I met Edward, and for a little while, the clouds seemed to part. I let myself feel the love of another man. But he never gave all of himself, the way Jake unabashedly had. It was only enough to keep me from crying into my pillow every night. There were moments when I could see him let his guard down, when the wine was free-flowing, during those tender moments surrounded by candlelight and soft music. Those were the times I could almost let myself love him back. I could see a full life with him and the happiness we could give each other.

But those moments were fleeting. And as the months crawled by, I found myself thinking of Jake, of home, more and more-dreaming of him, longing for him, crying over him again.

I stood there on that balcony that night, and I let the tears I had been fighting all day, all week, for five years, wash over me. I let myself feel the pain, the burning hurt that went so deep. My knees buckled, and I landed with a quiet thud on the smooth tile of our little balcony that overlooked the ocean. I cried for what seemed like hours, until the tears had dried and I was hiccupping and trying to breathe again.

I promised myself I'd let him go. I promised that I'd forgive myself. I promised myself I'd try to love Edward better. I made myself these promises that night and vowed to keep them.

Until the next time I couldn't keep the memories or the pain at bay. The last time I had made myself these same promises was only two months ago. I pushed that little fact from my mind and crawled back in bed with Edward. But as I fell asleep that night, my dreams were still filled with images of a russet-skinned boy, his poetic promises, passionate kisses, disarming smile, and soulful brown eyes.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The sun was already sinking low in the sky, streaking in through the large French doors, as I fumbled my way inside. I held the mail between my teeth, my school bags in my arms along with the few groceries I had picked up and my keys jingling in my hands. It was the last week of school of my first year of teaching, and I dropped all my stuff unceremoniously down on the kitchen table with a long sigh of relief.

I hummed quietly to myself as I put away all the groceries and then began fingering through the mail. My hands froze on a thick, creamy white envelope with my name written elegantly across the front. I held my breath as I opened the curious piece of mail, startled to see a wedding invitation.

_Leah Clearwater's_ wedding invitation. To—my breath caught in my throat—Embry? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Leah Clearwater had been one of my best friends my whole life, other than Jake. Where I was shy and reserved, clumsy and melodramatic, she was graceful, assertive, a no-bullshit kind of girl. She could be brutally honest. It was one of things I had always loved most about her. At the end of the day, I'd rather have a friend that told me exactly how it was, that I knew would be honest no matter what, than someone who would avoid the issue or sugar-coat it. I needed her swift kick in the ass on more than one occasion.

That thought made me very suspicious of this invitation.

Embry was Jacob's best friend. They had been close all their lives-since diapers, really. I just couldn't believe shy, quiet Embry was marrying loud, obnoxious Leah. I settled on laughing. I had talked to Leah a few times over the years, mostly through email. I was afraid she'd drag me back there kicking and screaming if I talked to her too much, though.

But then again, maybe not. She had understood, all too well, what it felt like to lose somebody. Probably better than I did. Harry, her father, had passed away from heart problems the summer before my mother died. She took it pretty hard. And then, Sam, her longtime boyfriend had up and left her for her cousin Emily the fall after they graduated. She had become very bitter and angry after that. I had always thought that's why she understood why I had to leave, why she never pressed the issue.

Staring at this invitation with its beautiful elegant script made my heart wrench. I missed her. I wanted to be there for her, to see her finally get a happy ending. To see somebody get a happy ending. I was shocked at the sudden intense pull I had to go back home. I wanted to see Leah, I wanted to see my dad Charlie, and I even felt like maybe, just maybe, I could visit the place where we buried my mother. But there was still one person, one thing, I just wasn't ready to face. And I didn't know if I ever could.

Jacob.

His smiling brown eyes danced behind my closed lids. It was easier to stay here, to remember him in my dreams, to recall his promise to love me forever. Going back meant dealing with reality.

The truth.

And the truth was that I had been wrong. I still loved him; I shouldn't have left. And now I had made a life with someone else. Maybe he had too. That thought sent waves of pain and grief crashing over me, twisting knots in my gut and strangling my heart. When did it get so complicated?

"_Easy as breathing, Bells," _he'd once said to me.

I didn't know how long I stood there, staring at the words printed on the thick paper clutched between my trembling fingers with tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Before I could make sense of the thoughts and emotions that were bouncing around inside my head, Edward walked in the door. I quickly composed myself as his cool arms wrapped around me, pulling me close and placing one sweet, chaste kiss against my temple.

"Hey, love," he murmured in my ear.

"Hi," I said softly, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice. We settled into our comfortable routine, me fixing dinner, Edward working away on his lap top while he sat at the kitchen table. I poured us each a glass of wine, and we ate in a comfortable, easy silence.

"So, when are you leaving for your trip with the girls?" Edward asked as he shoved his plate away and settled back into his chair. I was planning on going with two of my fellow teachers, Jessica and Angela, on a small, end of the school year celebration trip to San Francisco.

"Tomorrow. Angie's picking me up around noon."

"How long will you be gone again, love?"

"Um, I think we're staying almost a week, probably be back next Friday."

He smiled his crooked smile, and I smiled back. He helped me with dishes before we settled into bed. I tried to enjoy our little semblance of a normal life. I had thought this was easy. But every day, I found it a little harder to breathe, like I was suffocating beneath the lies and half-truths and drowning in my misery and regret. I lay in bed that night, thinking about the invitation, about the memories I had promised myself I'd lock away, while Edward slept peacefully at my side.

Finally, unable to stand another minute alone with my thoughts, I tip-toed across the cool hardwood floors and found my cell before stepping out onto the balcony in the pleasantly warm night air. I called Charlie. I knew it was late, a little after ten, but I needed to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice and feel like me again.

"Bells?" He answered on the third ring with a little surprise in his sleepy voice.

"Hey, Dad, I didn't wake you, did I?"

"It's all right. I had just dozed off on the couch watching the game. What's up, kiddo?"

"Oh, nothing, I just—" I really didn't know what to say. I felt lonely, homesick, full of pain, regret, indecision, and haunted by wrong choices and smiling brown eyes. My thoughts were completely cut off and my heart dropped to my stomach when I heard a familiar husky voice through the phone.

"Oh, yeah, I'll see you guys next time," Charlie spoke to what I assumed was Billy and Jake. I knew they always came over for the games, but hearing his voice after all this time had me practically hyperventilating. My knees buckled, and I was sure my heart was going to be ripped from my chest. I was clutching the railing of the balcony with white knuckles and desperately trying to control my breathing, to fight back the tears that were stinging my eyes. "Bells?" Charlie's concerned voice floated through the phone, and I realized he'd been waiting for me to respond. "Everything okay?"

"Sure, sure," I replied, my voice shaky and my hands trembling. "I just miss you, and I wanted to tell you I got an invitation to Leah's wedding in the mail today." I managed to steady my voice and pry my fingers from the railing.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Sue and Leah thought it would be nice if you could come. I know you—" He seemed like he was a bit flustered, not sure what words were okay to say. "—haven't been home since… well, since your mom died, but I was hoping maybe you were ready," he finished quickly, still seeming to hold his breath for my response.

"Actually, Dad, I was thinking about it. I just… I guess I'm scared and nervous, you know?" Dad and I hadn't always been good at communicating or sharing our feeling, and I knew he might feel awkward with me being so honest about mine, but I was so starved for someone to talk to the words just spilled out of me.

"Honey, I understand. I do. But sooner or later you're going to have to deal with these things. You'll feel better if you do." His words really hit home. Maybe if I could gain some closure, I could finally let go and move on. Maybe I would never be able to love another like I did Jake, but maybe I could be content with my life with Edward without the shadows of sadness and feelings of guilt and betrayal to stain it.

"Okay, Dad. I'll think about. I'm just worried about seeing…" I trailed off, unable to say his name out loud, somewhat unwilling to admit just how terrified I was to see him-scared to see him still hurting, still in pain, still loving me, but also afraid to not see it, that maybe he had moved on. He was silent for a long moment before answering as he chose his words very carefully.

"Bells, it'll be okay. I promise." His words hung heavy in the silence between us. We said our goodbyes, and I tried to let myself relax.

Maybe he had moved on.

Maybe Jake had let me go.

I mean, we were just a couple of eighteen year old kids when we made those promises. What did we know about love? I knew I hadn't been able to let him go. I knew the love I had for him felt heavy in my heart, felt like something that I had tried so desperately to let go, but it hung on to me, stalked me, tortured me.

I crawled back into bed, pulling the cover tight around me. I cried silently into my pillow and dreamt of Jake. His husky voice, infectious smile, his throaty chuckle, his warm arms, tender yet passionate kisses, and his dark, soulful eyes that had once seemed to only ever see me filled my dreams, and I knew when I woke up that morning that I was going to have to go home, to face my past, in order to finally let him go, to heal from the pain.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

It was Thursday, and I was getting home a day early. A week away had really done me some good. Angela and Jessica had dragged me all over San Francisco. We rode bikes across the Golden Gate Bridge, went on tours, ate in Chinatown, and drank lots of good wine. It was easy, for one week, to leave my problems behind-the complications of my mind and my heart-and just be. I was actually excited to surprise Edward. Being away for a week, I had missed him. I felt like maybe I really could go to this wedding and finally have closure from my past and be able to build a full life with Edward. Just maybe.

The soft flickering of candles confused me as I walked into my home. And then I heard the soft moans coming from our bedroom and saw a trail of clothes leading up the stairs, and my stomach fell to my feet. A slow sickness formed in my gut, and my feet moved forward, slowly and deliberately climbing the stairs. I knew what I would find when my hand landed on that doorknob, and I closed my eyes for a moment before I twisted and pushed it open.

She was beautiful-all legs and gorgeous blonde hair. They both turned to look at me; my mouth opened and my eyes narrowed. Edward scrambled away from her, his eyes wide and guilty. I froze. For one long breathless minute, I couldn't rip my eyes away from the scene in front of me.

I waited for the anger to explode in my chest, the tears to trickle down my face. But it didn't come. All I felt was shock and numbness. I turned to run out of the house with Edward chasing me and calling name franticly. I jumped in my car as fast as I could and left Edward standing on our front steps in his boxers, screaming my name as I sped off.

I don't know why or how I ended up at his sister's, Alice's, place. But there I was, barging into her apartment, breathless and confused.

"Bella? What's wrong?" she asked. I couldn't even find my voice to speak. I just stared at her, trying to figure out what the hell just happened, why I wasn't crying, and what the hell was I going to do now. She ushered me inside, making me a cup of hot tea, and I finally told her everything. She said I could stay as long as I needed to. She said she'd help get my stuff when I was ready. She promised to keep him away from me. I stood in the shower that night with the temperature as hot as possible, scalding my pale skin. I felt dirty. I tried desperately to wash everything away. I felt the sting of betrayal, but also a deep feeling of guilt that his indiscretion didn't cause me the kind of pain it should.

For a week, I barely left Alice's apartment. I felt humiliated that Edward had slept with someone else. I was angry, but strangely, I hadn't shed a single tear. I knew I should feel destroyed, but I just felt a strange mixture of guilt, relief, and anxiety. I had turned my phone off and refused to talk to him. He had shown up at Alice's yesterday, demanding to see me, but she refused, and eventually he left. I had watched him walk back to his car from the window. His shoulders were hunched over. The look in his eyes when he looked back and met mine for one long moment was full of strange, flickering emotions I'd never seen him wear on his face.

I decided to go home, to get some of my stuff the next day. Alice came with me. As I was going through the house, I stumbled upon the invitation to Leah's wedding that I had all but forgotten about.

It was in two weeks. I made the decision to go. That same pull I felt towards the one place that would always be home, I could feel it boiling in my blood, aching in my bones.

Within an hour, I had thrown my suitcase and a bunch of other stuff into my old truck, told Alice goodbye, and started driving towards Forks. Every mile that passed me, I felt myself relax; I felt the pain and the gaping hole in my chest slowly fade away. I was still terrified to see Jake, to return to a place I didn't know if I would be accepted back or not, but the need and the pull was overpowering and intense.

I had to go, I had to be there, and I had to see _him_.

I felt like something had just snapped in me. The lies and excuses I had been telling myself, the mantra that had been on constant repeat inside my brain, were no longer enough. Like I had been slowly dying under the weight of it all, forcing myself to love someone, to lead a life I was never meant to live. I knew I had to go home. To face the ghosts of my past. To get him back.

By the time I crossed the Washington state border, I was a bundle of nerves and energy. I knew I'd been wrong. I knew he might never forgive me. But I knew this was the first right thing I'd done in five long years. I knew somewhere in the depths of my soul, in the broken pieces of my heart, in my gut, that it could only be him. No amount of time or space could ever rid me of the irrevocable mark he had placed on my heart. I was a stupid, foolish, terrified girl when I left him. Afraid to love; afraid to lose.

A week later, I was still afraid, still in love, and still a coward. My dad had welcomed me back with open arms. He was beyond thrilled. He'd told me he and Sue Clearwater, Leah's mother, had been seeing each other for the last few months. At first, I was shocked. I couldn't help but feel the tiny twinge of hurt and betrayal for my mother. But I knew she had been gone for years and that Sue's husband had too. I stuffed down those feelings and told Charlie I was happy for them.

A few days later, Leah had roped me into going to the bridal salon with her to pick up her dress.

"You know he knows you're here, right?" Leah said distractedly as we waited for the consultant to come back. I looked over at her and then let out a long, heavy sigh.

"I know."

"Well, are you going to talk to him?" She turned to look right at me, her eyes darkening with a mischievous glint. I studied her face for a moment before answering. She was up to something.

"I don't know," I replied honestly. I mean, I wanted to, I needed to, I was aching to see his face, to feel his touch… but I was terrified. She looked at me with her eyes wide, and so I begrudgingly continued, "I mean, I want to Leah. I do, but…" I dropped my head in to my hands, rubbing my face like I could come up with the answers. "I just… I'm scared," I finished lamely.

"I know, honey, but you need to suck it up. What are going to do? Continue to be miserable? I mean, you can't go back to California without at least clearing the air. You need to do this, Bella. It's time." Leah's voice was uncharacteristically soft as she spoke to me. I couldn't help the tears that welled up in my eyes, or the few that escaped. I couldn't talk around the lump that formed in my throat, so I just nodded my agreement pathetically.

"Plus," she turned her dark, coffee colored eyes on me once again with that same glint shining bright and a small smirk twitching at the corner of her perfect lips, "you should probably talk to him before the wedding."

"Why—" I was immediately cut off by the consultant who'd come back carrying not one, but two dresses. One was obviously Leah's with its perfect, white satin. The other was a deep purple, strapless and tea-length. It was beautiful. Leah jumped up and snatched the purple dress out of the lady's hand and presented it to me.

"Do you like it?" She was beaming. I was confused and a little nervous.

"Um, yeah. Is it for me?" I stuttered.

"Of course, silly. I want you to be my maid of honor!" she announced. My eyes quickly filled with fresh tears. I had missed her, and I was so glad that she wanted me to be a part of her day. I didn't register what that meant for a few moments, and I stood up, giving her a hug.

And then I realized.

If I was her maid of honor, that meant… Embry was Jacob's best man… we would have to walk together down the aisle. _Oh, God._ I suddenly couldn't breathe; my vision was swimming and becoming spotted. I dropped back down to the chair I had been sitting in and put my head between my knees, trying to calm my erratic breathing. I was distantly aware of Leah's voice, her hand rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"Bella, stop being such a damn drama queen," she scolded. Oh, soft, tender, emotional Leah was gone. This is the Leah that always kicked my ass.

"I can't, Leah. I mean…" I didn't know what I meant. Part of me was completely horrified at the thought of having to be at a wedding, on Jake's arm, forced to face the mistakes I'd made. Part of me wanted to run, just like I had all those years ago. Only this time, images of the last five years, of the last several miserable weeks, flashed through my mind-along with whispered promises on a beach between two kids in love. Leah was right. I couldn't go back to California without facing him, without at least trying to apologize, without trying to win him back.

I spent the rest of the day with Leah, and we avoided the subject of Jacob Black. Until she dropped me off back at Charlie's.

"Bella, talk to him," she admonished, her voice stern, and then she smiled and drove away.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It was the second Saturday I was there; Leah's wedding was the following weekend. I still hadn't seen or talked to Jacob. However, I knew he knew I was here. Charlie and Billy gossiped like two old ladies. Charlie had not-so-subtly made it clear he wanted me to talk to Jake. He had gone on and on about the garage he and some of his friends had opened up. How much business they had been getting, how well he was doing… like he needed to sell me on Jacob Black. And I knew Leah would have talked to Embry, and I'm sure Embry to Jake. There had never been any secrets among that group.

Finally, I decided to just bite the bullet. He wasn't going to come to me. So, that morning, after hours of debating on what to do with my stomach twisted in knots, my heart practically racing out of my chest, my fingernails effectively worn down to nothing, and after my third cup of coffee (with just a dash of Kahlua, courtesy of Charlie), I decided I was going down to the garage.

I needed an oil change, after all.

I pulled up to a large, red building, just outside the reservation where Jake grew up. There were a lot of cars in the parking lot and in the three large bays. The sign beside the entrance had me forgetting to breathe_**. **_

_**Bells Automotive**_

This just got a whole lot harder. I sat there for thirty minutes, fighting my natural instinct to turn and run. Did he still love me? Was he going to be angry? I knew the answers to these questions, but it didn't help dispel the fear and the doubt that rolled in my gut. Jacob Black was a man I had known all my life. I knew without a doubt that he would be angry. I just had to suck it up. I finally got out of my car and started walking towards the large double, glass doors that led to the reception area when I heard a familiar voice shout my name.

"Bella?" Embry Call shouted and ran over to me, scooping me up in two large, warm arms for a bone-crushing hug.

"Can't… breathe…" I managed to choke out, a giggle bubbling to my lips when he set me down at the huge grin on his face.

"Bella Swan. It's about damn time," he laughed, and I couldn't help but smile back.

"Congratulations, Em! I'm so happy for you guys!" And I really was.

"Thanks. I know Leah's really glad to have you here…" He paused, leaning forward, narrowing his eyes, and lowering his voice to just above a whisper. "I know someone else that will be glad to see you, too; although, he might not act like it at first."

I was now, thanks to Embry, more nervous than ever. I felt like I was seconds away from a coronary, my palms sweaty, my breathing shallow and strained. He motioned for me to follow him. When I didn't because I was literally frozen in place by fear, he grabbed my hand and started pulling me inside. Leah and Embry were determined for this to happen. A bell chimed when we walked inside, and a much older looking Seth Clearwater perched behind the desk looked up, and a happy, innocent smile that reminded me of Jacob's split his face.

"Bella!" he shouted cheerily, jumping up and rounding the desk before scooping me up into another bone-crushing hug. I couldn't help but relax a little bit at his infectious enthusiasm. I smiled back. But before I could say anything, another familiar face stuck his head in from the garage: Quil Ateara.

"Quil!" I squealed, unable to stop the giggles that bubbled up or the warm feeling of home that spread through my limbs. We all talked for a few minutes, ignoring the crowded waiting room around us. I froze in my shoes when I heard the heavy footsteps coming down the stairs behind the reception desk, his low, husky voice much deeper than I remembered.

"What the hell is going—" He turned the corner and stopped dead in his tracks when his eyes met mine. They were dark, and I saw a brief flicker of emotion before he could stop it and cover it up with a calm, emotionless face I had rarely seen. The tension in the air between us was so thick I felt like I was suffocating under the weight of it. We stood there, eyes locked, for what seemed like the longest moment of my life. The small amount of happiness I had felt at being warmly received when I walked in by Jake's closest friends had all but disappeared. An uneasy feeling filled my stomach, and something wicked and hard gripped my heart. Jake dropped his gaze from my eyes, looking around at his friends.

"Back to work," he barked, and everyone quickly scrambled away. He looked back at me for a moment, and I could almost hear the struggle that was raging inside him. He turned and walked away, back up the stairs without so much as a word to me. I couldn't help the strangled sob that broke from my chest or the fresh tears that burned in my eyes, spilling over and streaking down my flushed cheeks. I turned and quickly ran out of the shop and back to my car before my knees had the chance to buckle. But being my non-graceful self, I stumbled and went flying face first into the hard gravel before I could reach my car.

I felt utterly ridiculous laying there, a bloody, broken mess, completely mortified and humiliated. I'd known he would probably react that way. I knew him. I was being an emotional wreck. Leah was right; I was a damn drama queen. With that thought, and continuing to mentally berate myself, I lifted myself off the ground, wiping furiously at the wetness on my cheeks and trying to ignore the smell of rust and salt that was churning in my stomach. That would really add to my humiliation if I tossed my cookies in the parking lot of his shop. Without looking back or up, I started to walk forward towards my car when two large, warm hands grasped my shoulders. I looked up to see Jacob's face, his eyes still dark and guarded. The memory of the last time he saw me was clearly stilled burned in the back of his mind. I sniffled, and they softened ever so slightly.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I just… I don't know what to say to you," he confessed, his voice much softer than before but laced with pain. The truth was that I didn't know what to say to him either. I wanted to apologize, to tell him how wrong I was for walking away from him, for not calling. How foolish I'd been, how messed up I was after my mom died and that I wasn't thinking clearly. How my stupid pride wouldn't let me come home. How I had never stopped loving him, not for even a second. How I still dreamed about him every night, still longed for him every day and cried over my foolishness every damn night. I wanted to say all these things, to beg him to take me back. But standing in front of him, now, seeing the flash of pain in his deep eyes and feeling the distance between us, I couldn't find the words. My throat was dry as sandpaper, and a lump lodged firmly in place. Tears pricked my eyes again, and I tried to swallow away the guilt and regret and self-loathing that was making me sick and slowly rising up my throat under his intense stare. He dropped his hands from my shoulders and looked down, rubbing the back of his neck and his short, black hair.

When I still didn't say anything, he looked back up at me, and I could see the angry fire blazing in the dark depths of his eyes. His massive frame loomed over me as he stepped closer.

"I mean, five years, Bella. _Five_ _fucking_ _years_! And nothing. No calls, not contact. And then you get to town a week ago, a goddamn week ago, and still nothing. Like nothing ever fucking mattered to you. And now you show up here… and I—" He cut off, the anger fading from his voice as his arms wound themselves around me, holding me, squeezing me impossibly close to his warm, muscular chest. My tears fell faster now, and I wrapped my arms around him, burying my face in the skin at his neck. He smelled just how I remembered, like rain and pine and motor oil. I breathed him in deeply, the scent of him washing away my pain and cleansing my soul. I felt his body trembling around me, his shoulders shaking and heaving with silent sobs. I could feel his tears as they landed on my skin, his warm breath tickling my ear.

We stood there in each other arms until the tears stopped, and his breathing returned to normal. My ribs felt bruised from the force of his hug, but I didn't complain. He finally pulled back and let me go, stepping a few feet back. I felt the loss of him immediately as I sucked in a ragged breath, and the cold wind hit me where his body heat had just been. The silence that hung between us was thick with unanswered questions and broken promises. I was struggling to find my voice; I knew I needed to speak.

"I'm so sorry, Jake." The words sounded so pathetic, and I could just barely whisper them, my eyes slowly looking up to meet his. We stared at each other for a long time. His eyes were still dark and guarded and angry. And then they softened, he let out a long heavy sigh, and shrugged his shoulders.

"Okay, Bells." He sighed again. And then he started to walk away.

"Jake, wait, I—"

"Bells, just… I'll see you at the wedding, okay?" His voice was full of anguish; it was a soft, broken whisper that hit me hard. The anger, the yelling, and the cursing I could handle. But the defeat and pain in his tired eyes, in his hunched shoulders, struck me like a cold slap across the face.

I just nodded and let him go.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Four days, twelve hours, and a handful of minutes later, I lay in my bed, not sleeping… again. I'd known he'd be angry; I knew that I'd hurt him. But I was unprepared for just how much it would kill me to actually see it-the destruction of my stupidity and foolish choices. I just wanted to make it right, and I had no idea how to do that. I couldn't think of anything that I could say that would change it or make anything right.

I just lay there, lifelessly, staring up at the ceiling and watching the fan spin in circles when I heard a tiny clinking against my window. It was a sound that was all too familiar. It brought back warm, fuzzy memories of late nights, of Jake sneaking in through my window, of the beginnings of first love in all its wonderful newness, unaffected by pain. I closed my eyes and took a deep cleansing breath.

_Clink. Clink. _

My heart sped up when I heard it again, and a new bout of nervousness assaulted my stomach. I made my way to the window in the dark, shivering when my bare feet hit the cold hardwood. I raised the window, and it protested with a loud groan. When I looked out, I knew he would be standing there, but it still took my breath away. He looked better than I could ever remember. I hadn't really appreciated it the other day at his garage. He was so much bigger, his arms and muscles chiseled and straining against his snug black t-shirt. His jeans hung dangerously low on his hips, causing my mouth to water. His jaw was more angled, squared off. His eyes were harder, tired. But when he offered me a small smile, flashing a hint of his perfect white teeth, I could still see the boy I had fallen in love with all those years ago.

"Come on, Bells," he whispered into the cool night air. I couldn't help my smile or the flip flop my heart did.

"Um, just let me get dressed. I'll be down in a minute," I offered. And with that, I started flying around my room, crashing and stumbling into my closet while trying to hurriedly throw on some jeans and a fitted, long sleeve t-shirt, smoothing down my wild curly hair and then trying to stop my frantically pounding heart as I crept down the stairs so I didn't wake Charlie up.

I clicked on the porch light and stepped out into the chilly night air. Jake was standing there, his smooth russet skin contrasting with the tight black t-shirt that hugged his bulging muscles. A shock of shaggy black hair hung in his face. It took me a moment before I could meet his eyes. Those deep, dark, smoldering eyes made me feel naked and vulnerable, completely exposed. It was like underneath the expensive clothes and shoes, underneath the woman I'd tried to become, he could see the girl. The clumsy, awkward, seventeen year old girl that was so hopelessly in love with him she couldn't see straight. The young girl that was so devastated by her mother's death that she left him, left her home, and lost herself in another man, another life, thousands of miles away.

I could feel the faint pink blush creeping into my cheeks, and there was a flash of pain and longing in his dark eyes. He sighed, and in a few short strides, he was standing in front of me. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and looked down at the ground, shuffling his feet.

"Hey," I whispered. The tension was thick and oppressive.

"Hey," he answered, looking up at me and studying me for a minute before speaking again. "Hey, look, I'm sorry, Bella. I was just surprised to see you, and… I was just an ass. Sorry."

I smiled a small smile and shrugged. I didn't trust myself to speak. I was afraid he'd know just how much that had hurt me, and I felt like I didn't get to be the one hurting now. He was hurting, and that was my fault. Without taking his eyes away from mine, he reached out and took my hand in his.

I had to blink back the tears, and I swallowed, loudly, with my heart nearly in my throat. He smiled then, and I felt myself let out a long breath I didn't know I was holding. I felt myself relax, and the pain that had been a constant in my life since I left seemed to fade away.

"Come on, Bells. Let's go for a ride." He grinned mischievously and started pulling me towards his sleek black motorcycle. For some reason, I felt like a teenager all over again. Jake was sneaking me out at night to go ride on his bike, and my stomach was suddenly assaulted with butterflies. He handed me the helmet, and I put it on as I watched him swing one long leg over the bike and kick-start it with a loud, grumbling roar. I straddled the seat, and he grabbed my arms and wrapped them around him before taking off down the dark road.

I was reveling in the feeling of his body so close to mine. I felt whole and right for the first time in years. I just wished I knew how he felt. I could see the pain in his eyes, even a flash of love, I thought. But maybe it was too late. I didn't know anything about the life he'd built here for himself, or where I could possibly fit into it.

We sped through town, the streets slick and empty. I knew where we were going, and that caused a whole new dose of fear and trepidation to course through me. First Beach. When we pulled up, I could see the same old piece of driftwood, buried a little deeper in the sand, practically glowing in the moonlight. He was silent as he got off the bike and took my hand. He intertwined our fingers, just like old times as we walked down the beach and sat on our tree.

I looked out across the black water with the moonlight reflecting off of it and saw the rocky beach and the pebbles along the water's edge, inhaling deeply as I took in the familiar sight; the salty smell of the air felt like the first real air I'd had in a long time. I couldn't help the two tears that slid lazily down my cheeks, and I was surprised when Jake's rough, calloused hands wiped them away. He turned my face towards him and stared deeply into my eyes. I felt like he was searching for something, having an internal battle within himself. His eyes lowered to my parted lips, and his parted ever so slightly, his tongue licking across the bottom one, almost without his knowledge. I leaned forward, my eyes closing of their own will. His lips were so close, barely an inch from mine. I could feel his erratic breathing, and I was screaming on the inside: _Kiss me! Kiss me!_

But he didn't. After one long, torturous moment, I felt him pull away from me, his warm hands leaving my face, and I heard him get up and walk away from me towards the water. I had never felt so cold in all my life. The loss of him in that moment told me more than his eyes, more than his angry words.

Maybe the damage was irreparable.

I finally opened my eyes, several more tears spilling over my already red-rimmed eyes, and looked out in front of me. He was standing there facing away from me, looking out across the water, his hands stuffed in his pockets. I saw him shake his head once before taking a deep sigh and finally turning back to me. He walked back to me and reached out his hand silently. I took it greedily. Whatever he would give me at this point, I would take. We walked back to the parked bike as he intertwined our fingers again. I was racking my brain, searching for the right words to say. But nothing seemed to be enough. The air between us was thick with unsaid things as we got back on the bike and headed home. I clung to him, selfishly, desperately needing to soak up his warmth, the feel of his body next to mine.

I let my tears fall against his t-shirt; my heart was breaking.

When we made it back to Charlie's house, he walked me silently to the front door, holding my hand in his. He let me go, and I walked up the steps and stopped with my hand on the door knob. I sucked in a deep breath and turned to face him, to say something, anything.

"Jake, I—" I started to say, but he shook his head, offering me a small smile, and walked up the steps towards me. He leaned forward, placing a small kiss on my cheek, his hand cupped around my face and his fingers almost tangled in my hair. He stayed there for a minute before moving close to my ear and whispering in his deep, husky voice.

"I'll pick you up for the wedding, okay? I'll be here at three."

When I opened my eyes, he was walking back to his bike. I watched him drive away, absolutely stunned. I was so confused. I wasn't sure what to make of all of this. He showed up here late at night, barely said two words to me, drove me out to our spot, almost kissed me, and then just when I though he was rejecting me, he told me he would pick me up for the wedding. I took a deep breath to steady myself before going back into the house and climbing the stairs. I plopped down on my bed, not even bothering to remove my clothes, and tried to close my eyes.

I didn't sleep that night. And the next two days were filled with me helping Leah with all the last minute details. Every night, I tried desperately to sleep, closing my eyes and drifting off, only to find myself later awakened by a dream of Jacob and jumping from my bed to peer out my window in the middle of the night. I could never go back to sleep after that. The dream was always too vivid, too real.

_His soft hands would caress my sides, skimming up underneath my shirt and touching my skin. His soft, full lips were pressed up against mine, hungry and full of need that echoed my own. His fingers tangled in my hair, his warm breath next my ear, whispering huskily all the things that would make me blush._

I would awaken to a throbbing physical need between my thighs and an excruciating ache in my heart. I didn't know how to reconcile the different emotions that were fighting for dominance in my mind and in my body. On one hand, being in such close proximity to him again seemed to awaken a very real physical desire I hadn't felt in years-like I just needed to be next to him, to feel him, to love him. On the other hand, my heart was breaking at the thought that I might have lost him forever, and I was confused by his actions. Maybe he still loved me, of that I was almost sure, but maybe that wasn't enough.

Not enough to change the past, to heal our hearts, to fix my mistakes. Not enough.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Friday night was the rehearsal dinner. I was nervous to see Jake, and I kept fidgeting as Leah and I drove to the church.

"Bella, calm down," she chided. I sighed heavily, trying to still my bouncing knee. "I can't tell you what's going to happen, Bella. But he does love you, and you love him. It'll all work out, okay?" I really just couldn't get used to this new Leah. She was emotional and understanding and sweet. It was a huge change. "Besides, you're driving my fucking crazy!" Ah, there she was.

"I know, I know. Sorry. I just, I don't even know what to say to him," I answered, sighing again.

"Bella, just tell him what you've told me. Plus, I think actions speak louder than words. That's what he needs to see." _Thanks, Leah, real cryptic. What the hell does that mean?_ I gave her a confused look, and she sighed heavily before answering my unspoken question.

"God, you're so clueless. _Move back here_," she finished sharply. My mouth fell open. Yeah, like I could just move back here, no problem. Except, I really had nowhere to go back to in California. I mean, I could go back to Alice's, but I knew Edward would be trying to talk to me, see me. He'd tried to call me or text me or email me almost every day since I'd been here.

I groaned out loud. How pathetic would it be to move back here with no money, no job, and living back with good old dad, all to be close to someone who may or may not still want me around? We rode the rest of the way to the church in silence. I had no good answer to her statement. The ghosts of the past, my mistakes, and wrong choices, and the pain of the past, still lingered here, behind every tree, every building, and every familiar face.

When we arrived at the small building, most of their family and friends were waiting outside, talking and laughing. I felt like the little dark raincloud at this party. I spotted Jake quickly, and throughout the whole evening, I was hyper aware of his every movement. He hugged me when I first walked up, wrapping his arms all the way around me, lifting my feet off the ground, and crushing me to his chest before burying his nose in my hair and inhaling deeply several times.

"Hey," he breathed. His eyes looked suspiciously bright.

"Hey," I squeaked out, afraid to meet the intensity of his gaze. He smiled and took my hand, leading me into the building. He let me go once we were inside, and I wanted to cry at the loss of contact. The rest of the night, he didn't touch me. Every time I snuck a peek in his direction, I found him looking at me too. It was somewhat comforting, even though I still had no idea what was going on in his head. Afterwards, some of Leah and Embry's family had set up a dinner and bonfire on the beach.

It was almost warm that night. The moon peaked out from behind the clouds, and the fire blazed and flickered its light and heat all around us. After talking and eating and catching up, I found myself wandering down the beach, close to the water's edge alone with my shoes dangling from my hand. I stopped to look out at the dark waters; they seemed calm tonight with the sliver of moonlight glimmering across the surface.

"Beautiful." His husky voice startled me, and I felt his warm, strong arms encircle me, pinning my arms to my sides. I sighed and relaxed into his embrace, his warm breath tickling my neck. One hand left my waist, and he reached up and swept my hair to one side, his soft lips ghosting across my exposed skin and his nose nuzzling my neck. I sighed heavily, expunging all the fear and pain and worry that had built up in my psyche. "I miss you," he whispered, his voice low and husky with just a twinge of hurt lacing his words. I closed my eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling, but two trickled down my cheeks anyway.

"I miss you too," I answered him brokenly, my voice so quiet it was barely audible over the crashing waves. He kissed my neck and then my temple once before speaking again.

"I still love you." His voice cracked slightly at the end, and I had to squeeze my eyes shut and tell myself to breathe. I wanted so bad to take away everything, to make it right. I wanted to drop to my knees and beg him to take me back, to ask me to move home. But I just stood there in his arms, frozen by years of wrong decisions, of shame and regret. Finally, when I thought I could trust my voice to hold steady, I answered his unspoken question.

"I still love you too," I said softly, new tears rolling down my cheeks and landing on his arms that were still wrapped tightly around me. He turned my body to face him, lifting my chin up with his fingers. Our eyes met. His were dark and smoldering, intense with emotion and desire, and his face was wet with fresh tears. He leaned forward, and I closed my eyes, wishing and praying he wouldn't pull away. I could feel his breath tickling my lips, and I desperately needed him to close that last millimeter of space between us.

"Jake!" a booming voice called out, bursting our little bubble and effectively spoiling the moment. I opened my eyes and turned to see Quil, Seth, and Embry jogging towards us.

"Come on, dude. Bachelor Party!" Quil hollered, completely oblivious to what he was interrupting until he stopped right in front of us. Jake dropped his arms from around me and took a step back, rubbing the back of his neck with his palm.

"Yeah, okay," he said to Quil before turning back to me. He took one of my hands in his, stroking his thumb over the skin on the back with a serious look in his eyes. Quil took a few steps back, mumbling his apologies. "I'll pick you up tomorrow, okay?"

I just nodded, again, at a loss for words. I wanted to beg him to stay, but I couldn't process my own thoughts. A little smirk played at the corner of his lips, and he leaned forward quickly, his lips just barely brushing against mine. I kissed him back, pressing my lips more firmly to his. I could practically feel his smile as he placed his hand on my hip and melded our lips together. His tongue slid along my bottom lip, seeking entrance, and I parted my lips almost immediately, greedily. His tongue and his lips moved with mine, dancing and tasting. His other hand came up to cup my face and then slide back, tangling his fingers in my curls. He kissed me for a long minute before pulling away, leaving me breathless and panting.

"Tomorrow," he said on a ragged breath before placing one more, sweet, tender kiss on my lips. I opened my eyes to see him leaving, walking away with his friends, and a goofy grin was plastered on my face.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I stared at the girl in the mirror. I had been standing here in my bathroom, staring at myself for hours and fighting back the urge to throw up. It couldn't be this easy, could it? All those years of sleepless nights, the worry and regret, the pain inflicted on him, and he just accepts me back? I was terrified of the possibility that there was something that would bring it all crashing down around my ears.

I took another deep breath.

_Knock. Knock._

_Oh, God!_ _He's here._ Maybe Charlie would answer the door. I felt nervous and sweaty, and when I glanced in the mirror again, I suddenly felt like I looked horrible. Deep breaths.

"Bella! Jake's here. I'm leaving to go get Seth and meet Sue and Leah at the church. See you in a little bit," Charlie called up the stairs, and I swore my heart started racing so fast I thought it might come right out of my chest.

Deep breaths.

One.

Two.

Three.

Okay. I opened the door, smoothed down my hair and the skirt of my dress, grabbed my small clutch, and slowly descended the stairs. I caught Jake's eye as I made my way down. A flash of déjà vu hit me as I remembered him picking me up for prom. He looked just as dashing today as he did then. He smiled, flashing his perfect white teeth, and I felt a blush creep into my cheeks when I noticed his eyes darkening as they roamed up and down my body appreciatively.

But, true to form, as I took another step down, I tripped over something invisible and went flying down the stairs, landing in Jake's strong, warm arms. He chuckled, and my cheeks turned an even darker shade of red. He straightened me up, holding me until I was stable on my feet. He cupped one hand around my cheek and leaned forward. His lips were soft and gentle against mine, moving slowly and purposefully. I sighed, pressing my lips firmer against his and parting mine ever so slightly as his tongue swept across my lower lip and then dipped into to taste mine.

He pulled away, smiling.

"Hi," he whispered, his breath tickling my lips.

"Hi," I said, a little breathlessly.

"You look beautiful." His voice dropped, and I could feel the low, husky murmur sending heat through my body. His lips met mine again, with more force and passion than before. I parted my lips almost instantly, and his tongue plunged in greedily. His hands dropped from my face and gripped my hips, pulling me flush against his body. I moaned into his mouth as he increased the pleasurable friction between us. It was so familiar. I had forgotten how my body always responded to him so easily, how he knew me so well. His mouth moved faster against mine; my lips felt swollen and bruised, and it was so delicious. I felt like he was stealing the breaths straight from my lungs as he devoured me. His hands traveled lower, to the silky skin of my thighs, running the length of them before gripping them and hitching me to him. I wrapped my legs around his waist and moved my hips against him. A low growl resonated in his chest and vibrated against my lips. I was lost in Jacob. The weight of his love and passion and obvious need for me was almost more than I could stand. I wanted nothing more than for him to rip this dress off me and make me his again. To erase my mistakes, to remind me of what I lost, and to love me again.

The ringing of my phone broke through our lust-filled haze, bursting our bubble. He yanked his lips away from mine, his eyes half closed, dark with lust and desire; his breathing was heavy and labored. He lowered me reluctantly to the floor, straightening my dress and smoothing my hair as I dug in my small purse, fished out my, and flipped it open without looking to see who was calling.

"Hello?" I said breathlessly, my eyes never leaving Jake's.

"Bella? What's wrong? Why are you out of breath?" the smooth, velvety voice responded.

"Edward?" My mind went blank and into full panic mode. Jake and I hadn't exactly had a chance to talk about everything yet. I wasn't sure how he would feel knowing about the relationship I'd had with Edward. He might be angry and hurt.

"Bella, please don't hang up. I just want to talk to you."

"There's nothing left to say." I tried to step away from Jake, but his eyes tightened as did his grip on my wrist. I looked up into his eyes, pleading with him to understand. He didn't move, didn't lower his gaze, and I couldn't even describe the flickering emotions that danced across his dark eyes.

"Bella, love. Please. Come home so we can talk about this. I can explain." His voice was broken; I had never heard him so upset or so vulnerable. A part of me almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"No, Edward. I don't want to hear anything you have to say. I'm in Forks anyway. It's over." I didn't care anymore that Jake was standing there. I was angry at Edward. No matter how much I loved Jake and could never love Edward with the same intensity, I was still hurt and humiliated by his cheating. No one likes to be cheated on. I felt used and dirty from his actions. My self-esteem and ego were severely bruised.

"It's not over, Bella. Please." His voice was cracking, and I couldn't believe he was actually crying. I'd never seen him cry or show so much emotion.

"Goodbye, Edward," I said as I snapped the phone shut. I wasn't about to feel bad for him. Maybe my distance had pushed him into bed with her, but I wasn't going to feel guilty or bad for him. I brought my eyes back up to Jake's. He was staring at me intently, and I could see the internal struggle to ask who and what and to get the answers he needed as well as the need to guard himself.

I stared back at him, trying to find the right words to say. Since I'd been here, I hadn't been able to put two sentences together to tell him how I felt. I took a deep breath and went to open my mouth when he silenced me by placing his finger against my lips.

"I don't want to know. Not right now anyway," he whispered and then lowered his eyes to my mouth, slowly leaning forward before crushing his mouth to mine again. This time, I could feel the hurt and the anger in his kiss, and the need to reclaim me. I tried to pour my emotions into my kiss, moving my lips against his and pressing my chest up against his. I broke away first, panting.

"I love you. I'm here," I breathed, and I could see some of the fear and the tension leave his eyes, and his features softened.

"Forever," he whispered huskily, and my heart leapt into my throat while two tears spilled over my eyes. He caught them with his thumbs, kissing them away, and then one more, sweet, chaste kiss against my lips before taking my hand and leading me outside to his car.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

The ride to the ceremony was silent, slightly more comfortable than before-a little of the tension and anger seemed to have faded-but I couldn't help but feel like there was more, so much more that we needed to talk about, to say. I could see his guard was still up, even if his hand was resting on top of mine on my knee. My eyes drifted from his stoic face that was focused on the road to our hands in my lap. His was so warm against mine. His large, dark hand completely covered mine, the tips of his fingers just barely brushing against the skin of my knee. His thumb was hanging over the edge slightly, touching the soft, sensitive flesh of my inner thigh.

_Pull yourself together, Isabella,_ I chided myself. God! Suddenly I felt like a sex-starved maniac. I couldn't even describe the emotions and feelings that were coursing through my veins, except to say I wanted him, needed so badly for him to touch me, to make me his again. It was completely ridiculous and overwhelming that my thoughts were centered on that instead of repairing our broken friendship, our broken trust and relationship. I shook my head slightly, trying to dispel the path of my thoughts.

Something was seriously wrong with me.

A few minutes into the drive, Jake turned to me, taking his eyes off the road for a second and pursing his lips. He turned back quickly, but I could see him thinking, trying to decide what he wanted to say. I just waited. What else could I do? I had left him five years ago and then showed back up a couple of weeks ago and had barely said a handful of words to him. He hadn't asked me for any explanations or about my plans or anything really. My plans? Leah's words reverberated inside my head. Being back here after all this time, I just didn't think I had it in me to leave again. I couldn't deny that this was home, that this is where I was meant to be. But what about Jake? His plans, his life, his feelings? Could I come back here and live without him in my life?

Ugh. My head was seriously hurting from all the tension and questions and emotional upheaval. I slipped my hand out from underneath Jake's and placed mine on top of his, squeezing gently, and I wrapped my fingers around his. He looked over and gave me a tentative smile before turning back and pulling into the already crowded parking lot. He cut the engine but didn't move, didn't look at me, didn't say anything for a really long minute. Finally, he let out an uneasy breath and whispered so brokenly, so softly, my heart clenched.

"Stay," he breathed, one tear sliding down his cheek before he turned to face me, the full force of his dark eyes locking on mine. I didn't move, didn't drop my eyes from his. I sat stock still, barely breathing and looking at the seriousness in his eyes. It was that same desperate, pleading look, and it jolted me back to that moment standing next to my old truck. Except this time, I could tell there was something different. Maybe it was the stubborn set of his jaw, the fierce fire that burned in his eyes, or the way his hand suddenly clutched mine with bruising, determined force. He was fighting this time. He wasn't going to just let me go again. My throat was dry, all the air whooshed out of my lungs, and I just slowly nodded my head, tears threatening to fall and ruin my make-up. His eyes didn't leave mine as he leaned forward and kissed me so sweetly, so tenderly. There was no heat or lust in this kiss. It was just love, our souls and hearts crying out and sighing in relief.

He pulled away, smiling tentatively, and then he got out and came and opened my door, taking my hand as we entered the building.

It seemed like only minutes later, but it was really hours, the whole place was full of people, and we were all lined up, ready to walk down that aisle. I looked behind me to Leah. She smiled and winked. She looked so calm, so beautiful and poised, and the look of love and excitement shone in her dark eyes. I smiled back and then looked over to Jake with my arm interlocked with his. He looked down when he could feel my eyes on him and smiled. It reached his eyes, and I couldn't help giving him a full smile back. His smile had always been infectious. He leaned down and whispered softly in my ear, tickling the hairs on my neck and reminding me of my lust-filled thoughts earlier.

Damn, did he ever look good in that tux.

"Watch Embry's face when he sees Leah walking down that aisle," he said conspiratorially. I scrunched my eyebrows and smiled when he pulled back and I could see his eyes. He winked, and there was a little smirk on his full lips when turned back to face the front and the music started. We walked down the aisle, smiling and then separating as we took our places on either side of the bride and groom. I met Jake's eyes once more as the music announced Leah's entrance, and he motioned with his head to watch Embry. I looked to the front and saw as Leah entered the chapel. She looked like she was glowing as she practically floated down the aisle. I turned my attention to Embry then.

His mouth was open slightly, his eyes wide and full of unshed tears. His cheeks were tinged a little pink as he looked mesmerized by her every movement. The look of love and devotion and complete and utter intoxication of her beauty as he drank in the sight of her was clearer than a glass of water on his face. I didn't think I had ever seen someone so in love.

And then I looked over to Jake, who was staring right at me, and I felt like the breath had literally been knocked out of me. The stoic mask he'd been wearing, the guard he'd only let slip slightly before was completely dissolved. There was no more sadness of pain, just love that shown in his dark, glassy eyes. Love and a slow burning heat scorching me from several feet away. He wanted me. He wasn't letting me go. I was his. His heart was still mine. That's what he eyes said, and I could feel my knees shaking, almost buckling beneath me as I read the emotions and promises that he wore unashamedly in his face.

I didn't take my eyes off Jake's for the rest of the ceremony. His never left mine. It seemed like the rest of the world just disappeared. I couldn't even hear the vows or the applause as they kissed. I saw them walking down the aisle out of the corner of my eye, and without conscious effort, I was walking straight to Jake. He offered his arm, and I took it, never breaking eye contact until he did to lead us down the aisle. He leaned over and murmured in my ear as we walked.

"Forever," he breathed, and just like that, he was reading my mind, knowing exactly what he let me see in his eyes and in his face. I could feel the tears gathering in my eyes. I left him, hurt him, abandoned him, really, and just a week, and he's… I took a deep breath and pushed away the need I felt to run stinging my muscles. It was completely irrational, I know. But that's exactly what I had done all those years ago, and the instinct was still there. A part of me understood that was why Jake let me see those emotions, to let me feel the full force of his love-the reason he wanted me to see that look in Embry's face and then see it mirrored in his own. I knew he wasn't going to let me run away this time, but he wasn't going to make it easy on me either.

The reception was beautiful and full of red roses, soft twinkling candlelight, champagne, and sweet music. Jake grabbed me the second that our duties as maid of honor and best man were fulfilled and led me out onto the dance floor.

"Jake… no, you know I can't dance," I protested. But he ignored me, chuckling to himself and pulling us through the crowd. He stopped, turned, and pulled my body flush against his. He had our intertwined hands against his chest and his other arm snaked around my waist. He grinned mischievously down at me, and I frowned. He laughed again before leaning down at kissing me full on the mouth. It wasn't sweet. It was long and slow and lingering, his tongue darting out to dip inside my parted lips, and then gently nipping on my bottom one with his teeth. I almost let out a moan at the sensations pulsing through me, and when he pulled back, I blushed furiously. He had just kissed me in front of everyone. I quickly looked around, scanning the room to see who was looking at us.

I got Billy's, Jake's dad, eyes twinkling in amusement. Charlie was next to him, smiling, but it was not very steady, like he was waiting for me to bolt. A little movement caught my eye then. A small arm reached up and tried to get Billy's attention from where the young boy sat on his lap. Billy looked down. I followed his gaze to see a small little boy, no more than three, sitting there. His hair was dark and shaggy. It reminded me of Jake's when he was a kid. He turned his face out on the dance floor, pointing his finger at us and smiling. His smile. It was wide and stretched across his russet-toned cheeks. It was so bright and breathtaking I was momentarily shocked by the memory it provoked. His eyes were dark brown, almost black, framed by thick lashes.

I tried to shake my head, and I looked back to Jake, who was studying me intensely. I furrowed my brows and narrowed my eyes, silently asking who that little boy was-that little boy that bared a striking resemblance to Jake. His eyes betrayed nothing, though, as he continued to stare into mine. I had barely noticed that we were swaying softly to the music. He leaned down slowly, his warm breath caressing my cheek as his lips landed at the shell of my ear. I gulped and quickly forgot what I had just been thinking about.

"We'll talk later, okay?" he whispered cryptically. All I could do was nod. His lips blazed a trail from my ear, across my jaw, and back to the corner of my lips. He stayed like that with his cheek pressed against mine, our lips almost touching, and our fingers intertwined and held to his chest as his other arm was wrapped tight around me, and we danced to the music.

In the moment, all I could do was fall into Jake. It was always like this: easy and effortless. I felt every wall I had built come tumbling down, every excuse I had took flight away, and every reservation or fear quickly forgotten as he brought his lips to mine once more. His mouth moved hungrily against mine, our tongues dancing and tangling while his fingers slowly traveled down the bare skin of my arms. There was no way I could stand another second of this torture. I pulled away, flushed and a little breathless.

"Jake, let's get out of here," I whispered, holding my breath for his answer and hoping he wouldn't reject me now because there was a very real, throbbing ache between my thighs and a need in my heart that was dying for his touch, his love.

"All right, I'll meet you outside." He handed me the keys to his car. "I just have to say bye to my dad and make sure he, uh, has a ride home…" he said a little awkwardly. I scrunched up my eyebrows. I knew there was something he wasn't telling me, but I decided to let it go for now. If I was honest, there was a lot I hadn't told him either.

A few minutes later, we were driving away from the wedding reception. We pulled up to the small red house that had been haunting my dreams and memories for years. It looked exactly the same at first. As we walked up to the house, I noticed there had been some changes.

The front porch steps looked new, or at least, relatively new since I'd been here. And I noticed they had built an addition onto the side of the house. With Jake's hand wrapped firmly around mine, he pulled me through the front door, down the hall, past his old bedroom, and into a larger bedroom that must be part of the addition. There was a king-sized bed in the room with a large open, bay window behind it, a small dresser in the corner, and a flat screen television hung on the wall.

Other than the new and bigger furniture and nice television, the rumpled sheets and clothes tossed all over the floor and the top of the dresser covered in papers and other small things screamed Jacob. He hadn't changed that much.

"Sorry," he mumbled as he caught me looking around his room. I smiled shyly. He leaned over me, the heat in his body and eyes enveloping me as he closed the door behind me. He stepped forward, slowly, backing me up into the door. My heart was racing and my breathing labored as he closed the space between us, crashing his lips to mine. Suddenly, Jacob was all around me, his hands everywhere. He roamed my body unapologetically, touching and kissing every inch of exposed skin he could find. I arched my back and leaned my head back against the hard, wooden door as his lips left mine and kissed down the slope of my neck, lower, to the top of my strapless dress. He kissed the top of my cleavage almost reverently with short, sweet, smacking pecks. He slowly kissed his way back up, across my jaw, and nibbled seductively my earlobe.

"I need you, honey. So fucking bad." His voice was so low and husky, sending jolts of electricity straight to the burning ache at the center of my thighs. My hands grasped his shoulders as he spun me around, and we landed on the bed. Soon, we were fumbling out of our clothes. Jake practically ripped my dress off before actually ripping my soaked panties.

"Oh, God!" I shouted as his fingers plunged inside me, stoking and curling and sending my body into spasms. His loving lips never once left my skin. He quickly removed his fingers, his lips meeting mine once again, before I felt his hard length slowly invade my folds. I gasped at the sensation. It was warm and familiar and completely filling. As our bodies moved in our own rhythm, to our special beat, his arms wrapped around me, his body covering mine and his lips kissing my cheeks, my eyes, my shoulder, and then landing on mine once again, I felt the tears collecting in my eyes. I opened my eyes to find Jake staring at me. Two tears slowly slid down his cheeks, and he wiped mine away. It wasn't sad or bittersweet but beautiful and whole and so completely right and bursting with love that our souls were finally connected again.

"So beautiful," he murmured against my skin as I felt myself just let go. Waves of pleasure washed over me, bright white lights dotted my vision, and he thrust once more, collapsing on the soft bed next to me. He pulled me against him as we both let our breathing slow.

"I missed you," he said after what seemed like an eternity of silence.

"Mmmm, I could tell," I bantered lightly back. I was rewarded with a warm, throaty chuckle. It was truly genuine and so _my Jacob_. His fingers were stroking slowly up and down my bare arm with my head laid against his chest, listening to the strong, steady beat of his heart. I was slowly lulled into a deep, peaceful sleep devoid of nightmares and regrets.

The early morning sun slowly invaded my sleep-a deep orange glow at the back of my eyelids as it flooded the room. I stretched slowly, like a cat in the sun, feeling the delicious ache in my muscles—the good kind of ache. I reached out for Jake but was met with nothing but cool cotton sheets. I opened my eyes to search the room, and a small note on his pillow caught my eye. I opened it quickly.

_Bells-_

_I'm making you breakfast. I left a t-shirt and some old sweats out for you. Come out when you're ready._

_Forever,_

_Jake_

My eyes welled up at the sweet note, and I quickly got out of bed and found the clothes he had laid out for me hung over a chair. The sight of that faded blue tee and grey sweatpants that had belonged to me years ago caused my breath to catch. Jake and I and our families had always been close; it wasn't surprising that I had left some clothes over at his house, especially since we were always going to the beach and that caused me to haul around a change of clothes. What was surprising was that he had kept them all these years. I felt my heart clench a little.

A small knock at the door had me snapping my head up. Jake stepped inside and closed the door. I smiled, and he smiled back.

"Hey," I said softly as he approached me, quickly wrapping his arms around me and planting a loud smooch on my still-swollen lips. I giggled.

"Morning, Beautiful," he whispered against my lips. His hand smacked my bare butt lightly, and I jumped in surprise. "Get dressed. I have someone I'd like you to meet." I scrunched my eyebrows and bit my lower lip. Jake's eyes narrowed in on my lip caught between my teeth, his eyes darkening. His thumb came up and slid along my lip, releasing it from my assault. He kissed me again, this time with a little more heat, before pulling away, leaving me panting. "Later…" he smiled, unwrapping himself from me. I pouted, and he chuckled again. It was almost too easy to just fall back into us.

I slipped the shirt over my head and then put on the pants. Yeah, I guessed I would have to go commando after Jake destroyed my underwear last night. That thought caused me to blush, and I looked over at Jake, who had sat down on his bed. He smirked knowingly, and I just rolled my eyes in response. It's funny, but that's how it had always been with us: no need for excess words. We just understood, were connected, even in a comfortable silence. As I was pulling my hair back, twisting it together and throwing it over one shoulder, my eyes snapped up, my breathing stopped, and my eyes widened. The little boy from last night came barreling into the room, all smiles and energy. It was the words that left his mouth that caused my perfect morning to turn on its axis.

"Daddy! Daddy!" his sweet voice called as he jumped into Jake's open arms and forced him to fall back against the soft mattress.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

My throat was suddenly extremely dry. Daddy?

"Hey, champ! I didn't know Aunt Sue was dropping you off so early," Jake said, wrapping his arms around the little boy. I swallowed thickly. A son? This little revelation had sent my world into a tailspin. Why hadn't he told me this already? No one had told me.

A son.

That's the only sentence I could think. Jake looked over at me, and his smile dimmed. I thought maybe I should try to cover up my shock, my hurt, my… my resentment. But I couldn't. God, why was I so bothered by this? I knew things with Jake and I would be serious from the start; it wasn't like I thought I could just waltzed back into his life, and we could start from the beginning. I knew there was too much emotion for that. But this just added a whole new level of seriousness.

What if we couldn't fix everything? It wasn't like we'd had a chance to try yet. Or even really talked about anything. God, I felt so stupid. It's like after so many years of pining for him, missing him, needing him, I just lost all rational control. We definitely should have taken it slower, talked first. I still had to go back to California. Oh god, oh god…

"Hey, buddy, why don't you go talk to Grandpa for a minute? We'll make pancakes, okay?" Jake said to the little boy, who hadn't even really noticed me at this point. He jumped up off of Jake, and I could hear his sneakers pound against the floor as he ran down the hall. I still hadn't moved when Jake turned to me. He walked slowly over to me, like one too quick movement would send me running away. My eyes were trained on the open door. Jake curled his fingers under my chin, bringing my eyes back to his. I looked into those dark brown eyes; they were full of fear and apology.

"Bella," he started softly. I shook my head. I don't know why, but I couldn't breathe and needed to get out of there. I started to back away from him, my eyes on the floor, and he grabbed both my hands in large, warm grasp. "Bella, please… I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I just… I was going to tell you this morning. I know we should have talked about everything before… God, I just…" He trailed off, dropping my hands and running his through his disheveled hair. He turned from me and plopped down on the bed, propping his elbows on his knees and cradling his face in his hands.

My heart clenched, and my stomach lurched. I wanted to leave, to run away from this. The sensation to run was causing my muscles to twitch and burn. I felt the rise of panic and adrenaline in my blood. I couldn't get enough oxygen, and my eyes were stinging with unshed tears. It was completely irrational, and what I had always done. I knew that; I knew I had come here trying to prove to him that I wouldn't leave again, that I still loved him, but… the instinct was just so strong and powerful. I closed my eyes tightly and tried to compose myself.

When I opened my eyes, Jake was staring at me intently, and a flash of anger flickered in his dark depths. I gulped. He knew. Of course he knew. He rose from his spot on the bed and in one long stride was standing in front of me, so close I could feel his chest rise and fall with heavy breaths. His jaw was clenched, his whole, large, muscular frame tense and looming over me. But his eyes, they were soft and pleading, hurt and, just a little angry. Defeated.

It tore at me. I felt the hole in my chest rip open, and I was surprised when I looked down that my shirt wasn't stained crimson from my bleeding heart. Too much, too much, too much…

He cupped his giant hands around my cheeks, and the dam broke as large, salty tears poured from my eyes. I could see his eyes become glossy with unshed tears, but nothing fell.

"Bells," he whispered shakily. "Don't… please…" He stopped and swallowed thickly, his face and voice both broken. I knew I was breaking him, but the instinct to flee was just too strong. I felt like it was consuming me. I felt like I might explode. I closed my eyes again and pushed against the bile that rose in my throat. I fought the tide of emotions and took a few deep breaths, trying to compose myself.

"Jake…" I cleared my throat; my voice was shaky and almost inaudible. "I, uh, I'm just going to go home. I'll call you later, okay? I just need a minute to process this." I tried to keep my voice steady as I lied through my teeth. He stared at me, studying my eyes for several silent moments.

"Okay," he said quietly, and he dropped his hands from my face and trained his eyes on the floor. I stood there for a moment, but I couldn't speak. The words he needed to hear and I wished I could say burned on my tongue. Instead, I placed my cool, pale hand tenderly against his cheek for a moment, and then I grabbed my stuff and left.

I stood there on Jake's front porch for a few minutes. I hadn't driven here, and I had no way back home. _Dammit._ I groaned. So much for a graceful exit. But then I was never blessed with grace.

"Hey, Bells," Charlie's gruff voice said from behind me. I sighed and then looked around. I saw Sue's car parked out front. So he knew about Jake's son. Wow, I was really left in the dark-even by my own father. I turned to look at him with a scowl on my face.

"Sorry, Bells. I didn't want to keep anything from you, but it wasn't my place, and Jake asked me not to. He wanted to tell you himself if you ever came home." Charlie apologized, and I felt my frown relax slightly. I grimaced from his words. I was the one who left, the one who hadn't come home. I sighed, a heaviness of regret and some other emotions I couldn't decipher at the moment weighed heavily on me.

"Just take me home, please, Dad," I begged. He raised an eyebrow, then looked back towards the house, and then back at me before nodding slowly.

"Just let me tell Sue," he said and then walked back inside. I walked out to the car and leaned my body against the frame. The rare sun and cool breeze felt good against my skin.

The ride back to Forks was silent. I really didn't know what to say to Charlie. My mind was just a jumbled mass of confusion and hurt and anger. I didn't know what I'd expected. Did I really think he wouldn't have tried to move on and have a life?

Forever.

His word. I knew he loved me, but there were just so many unanswered questions.

_Maybe because you didn't even give him a chance to explain,_ my inner voice chided. I groaned again in frustration. There were two things I was good at apparently: running away and breaking Jake's heart.

"You know," Charlie began, eyeing my reaction carefully before continuing, "Jake's had a rough time. When you go back to California… well, I'm worried how he'll take it this time. Just stop running, Bella. We miss you; come home." His voice was solemn and cracked a little at the end. I tried to blink back the tears and swallow against the lump in my throat. Charlie had never been one to share much emotion. I didn't really know how to respond, so I just nodded and turned my attention back to the green forest whizzing by.

I sat in my old room all day with my phone turned off and both my window and my door shut and locked. I didn't know how to face all this, to fix this mess. The day came and went, and I found myself digging through piles of old pictures and letters and birthday cards that had been stuffed into a box and hidden at the back of my closet. It was dark, it was late, and I hadn't eaten all day. The thought of food had me fighting nausea.

This box was full of pictures of my mom and Jake. Before I left for college, when I was feeling suffocated by the grief and strangled by fear, I had thrown every memory of both of them into this box. I just couldn't deal with it anymore, and the next day I left, leaving Jake alone and broken in the driveway.

I cried for hours, into the early morning. I read every birthday card from my mom, every letter from Jake. I could almost hear her voice and smell her sweet perfume. I missed her so much. Losing her had been like losing a part of myself, something that was so much a part of the fabric of who I was. By leaving Jake, I had lost myself and left my heart here on a rocky beach thousands of miles away.

At four in the morning, I snuck downstairs, hopped in my beat up truck, and drove down the coast to where my mom had been laid to rest.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

The drive through the empty streets of town was quiet and dark and lonely. I could feel the anxiety rise in my chest, burning my lungs and choking me. My throat was closing up, my body shaky and convulsing so bad I could barely keep the car on the road. My eyes stung with the fresh tears that welled up and blurred my vision. I pulled the car into the small parking lot of the well-kept cemetery just outside of town near the beach, where my mother had been buried. I tried to swallow, to breathe, to scream… anything to relieve the painful physical ache that had lodged itself in my chest and my gut.

My skin was clammy and sweaty, and so I opened the door of my truck, letting the cool ocean air fan over my flushed skin. I tried to breathe in the salty air to calm myself. I couldn't understand why I was having such an extreme physical reaction to coming to this place. She had been gone several years, shouldn't I have felt better about this by now, felt some level of acceptance?

But I didn't.

I felt like it was that day all over again. The panic, the fear, the desperation all felt clear and vivid as I sat there, practically hyperventilating with my head between my knees reliving that horrid event. The pungent smell of hospital grade disinfectant and the rusted smell of blood had hung the air, and I could recall it so clearly that it churned my stomach even now. I could remember feeling her still-warm hand in mine as the heart monitor let out a long beep, signaling the end.

I don't know how long I sat there, crying and rocking myself as the memories flooded over me. I felt like cursing, screaming, and praying for relief, all at the same time. I still hadn't left the truck. When I finally was able to blink back the tears and take a few deep hiccupping breaths, I noticed the sun was already rising, casting an eerie orange glow over the gray stone of the grave markers. I gulped once as I looked over the small cemetery, my eyes zeroing in easily on the one that held my mother's name. I couldn't quite read the inscription from here, but I knew it was hers.

I cautiously and feebly got out of the truck and shut the door, walking a few steps before I felt my knees start to shake, and I had to brace myself against the worn, white, wooden fence that encased the cemetery.

_You can do this,_ I told myself stubbornly, fighting against the rise of panic that bubbled up in my throat and the instinct to run that singed my muscles. I took a few more deep breaths and slowly made my way through the gate, to the back of the cemetery, and stood stiffly in front of my mother's grave.

Eventually, I felt my wobbling legs start to give out, so I sat cross-legged in front of the gray headstone, staring disbelievingly. It seemed so strange that she was really gone. I knew it in my head, but somehow, a part of me could never quite reconcile that fact. I still felt her, like she was a part of me.

_Maybe she is_, I thought.

By the time I decided I should leave, the sun was high in the sky, and a few dark and ominous-looking clouds had started to gather overhead. I hadn't said anything while I sat there with her. And for some reason, that was more comforting than if I had. I smiled weakly at the marker before turning my head up to the sky. A few early rain drops splashed onto my face, and I quickly turned and ran back to my truck before I got caught in the downpour.

The drive back home was easier. I felt a little lighter, a little less weighed down by the sickness of grief. It started raining, but it was a slow, steady shower, and I felt myself calmed by its presence.

When I pulled up to the house, I saw a large man sitting on the front steps with his head in his hands and his shoulders hunched over. Jacob. He was wearing his signature, thin, black t-shirt and a pair of ratty old jeans and sneakers. His hair was slick with rain; his clothes too. He looked like he might have run all the way over here, but I saw his bike parked in the street next to the curb.

My heart thudded in my chest. I really didn't know what to say to him. I felt ashamed for leaving him yesterday morning, but still a little hurt and angry too. I swallowed thickly before getting out and walking through the now-light sprinkle over to where he sat. He hadn't looked up once, but I knew he had to of heard the loud rumbling of my truck from down the block. I sat down next to him, only an inch of space between us on the narrow steps, and focused my eyes on the tree line across the street.

The only sounds for a long time were the steady fall of rain and the slow, deep movement of our breaths. After a minute, he reached over with his hand and took mine in his warm grasp, intertwining our fingers and bringing our joined hands to rest on his chest, just above his beating heart. His voice was soft but low and deep when he finally spoke. It reminded me of Billy's when he told the tribal legends.

"Her name was Kate. It was about a year after you left, and I was still pretty broken up about it. You wouldn't even talk to me, and it… it killed me, Bells," he said, looking up at me through his thick lashes and letting me see the devastation and destruction I'd created. I flinched, and he turned his head back to the road and continued. "Embry and Quil had dragged me out one night to a party at the Makah reservation. I went, and while they got really drunk, I just sipped on a soda. I wasn't in the mood to drink, and I knew I had to drive those guys home." He paused, taking in a deep breath with eyes still focused on the trees and his hand still laced with mine possessively.

"Kate was friends with this girl, Leila, or something, that Embry had been dating for a while. Anyway, we all left and went back to the apartment the girls shared. Kate was pretty forward, and pretty and nice, and I was really lonely, and I know that probably hurts you to hear this, but I just needed to feel wanted again. It was just that one night. We left the next morning, and I drove the guys home. I didn't call her, and Embry and Leila had broken up only a couple of weeks later." He paused again. I could feel the strain in his voice, and the tears welling up in my eyes.

"She showed up on my doorstep some eight months later big as a house, scared and all alone. Her parents had both died when she was younger, and she had no one. To be honest, it felt so good to be needed. Maybe I should have been angry about her not telling me before, or angry at myself for not being more careful, but I wasn't. I was lost and lonely and too young to understand, but I just suddenly needed them. So Billy and I took her in, and I went with her to all her doctor's appointments." He stopped again and looked at me.

I was crying silent tears and trying to swallow against the sob that was threatening to erupt from my chest. It hurt to know how much I'd hurt him, but even more that he had started to move on and create a life with someone else. I knew that was hypocritical, since I had done the same, but I just couldn't help the pain that surged through my body at his confession. I felt his hands on my face, the pads of his thumbs wiping away the tears on my cheeks. I lifted my eyes to look at him. His face was so close to mine, and I could see so many emotions flickering in the dark depths of his brown eyes.

"I want you to know something, Bella. I never loved her. Maybe that sounds bad, but I was never in love with her. I cared about her a lot, though. She was a good person. Over the course of the few weeks she stayed with us, we became friends, but nothing more. I can't say I hadn't thought about it, for the sake of the baby. But I couldn't. I still loved you, and I just couldn't. But I had every intention of helping to raise my kid," he said firmly, and I just nodded. The emotions were thick and stuck in my throat, preventing me from speaking. He stared intently into my eyes for another moment, then dropped his hands from my face, and turned back to face the street. He took my hand again, lacing our fingers and holding it as close as possible to his body. Finally, after a long silence, I found my voice.

"What happened to her?" I asked gently. I mean, he hadn't mentioned her still being around, so I could only assume that something had happened to her. He took a deep, shaky breath before speaking again.

"The delivery didn't go as planned, and she had just lost so much blood…" He trailed off, and I could see the memory still visibly shook him. I wiggled my hand loose from his death grip and wrapped my arms around his waist. His arm curled around my shoulder, and he pulled me closer, laying his head on my shoulder. I softly stroked the hair at the nape of his neck softly, soothing him as his shoulders heaved with silent tears. Slowly, his breathing returned to normal, and his arms loosened around me.

He removed himself from my embrace, and I could feel the cold loss of his touch immediately. He rubbed his palms over his face a few times before he turned back to me and spoke again.

"Bella, I never meant to keep this from you. I was just… I don't know. You being here again… I was so hopeful at first, and then angry, and then… I don't know. I should have told you that night I took you to our spot, and I had planned on it, but I just knew you'd run away again. And then I wanted to tell you at the wedding or before. Everyone told me I should. But I was a little confused by the phone call you got before we left, and then I was just… I just was so enchanted by that night. You were there and so beautiful, and I have loved you all my life, and I just needed you…" He trailed off again, and I could see that same fire and heat dancing in his dark eyes.

I had felt it too. It was so easy to just forget everything that night and just be us again. I swallowed hard and fought the urge to tell him about Edward, but I had to.

"Jake…" I started a little shakily. "I, uh, well, the thing is I was living with someone up until like three weeks ago. Edward. We'd been dating couple of years, and I walked in to find him with another girl in our bed." I had turned my eyes away from him, afraid of his reaction. When he didn't say anything for a long time, I chanced a glance up at him and suddenly wished I hadn't.

His jaw was clenched and his eyes dark and angry and guarded. He brought his hands up and rubbed harsh circles against his temples, closing his eyes.

"Why?" he finally asked, his voice all but broken and his features crumpled in pain. I knew he meant more than just why I had moved in with Edward.

"I don't know exactly, Jake. After Mom died I was really messed up, and I just had to get away from here. Away from you. I just couldn't lose you too. And then, god, it seemed like being in California was worse. I was ashamed and too prideful and just hurting. Then I met Edward, and it was easy and safe. He never quite let me all the way in, and neither did I with him. I guess I was just lonely, and it felt nice to have someone there at night. And his family took me in and treated me like one of their own. Maybe I was just trying to forget or running away…" I paused, taking a few deep breaths again and studying Jake's reaction.

His eyes were soft and thoughtful, his lips pursed, and his face solemn. I had to look away again. It was like seeing all my mistakes and bad choices staring back at me when I looked into his eyes. After a few minutes, he gathered my hands in his and huffed before talking again.

"Bella, I love you. I always have, and I want to forgive you. I want to move on. I want you in my life. But—" His voice was grave and serious, and my heart plummeted to my feet. He took one finger and lifted my chin, forcing my eyes to meet his. "—I need some time. I have Chase to worry about now, and I think we just need to take it slow. You were always my best friend, Bells. Can't we just start back there?" he asked. My heart was not even in my body anymore but lying out in front of me on the damp grass.

Friends? Sure, I could do that. As long as Jake was in my life, maybe I could finally start healing. Maybe being back here would help me mend this brokenness I always felt. I took a deep breath and tried to blink back the tears and swallow against the lump that had been lodged in my throat.

"Sure, sure," I answered, giving a half-hearted smile. He leaned over and kissed me once on the cheek before hopping up off the porch with an easy grin on his chiseled face. God, he was beautiful. Friends, oh, yeah, friends. God, this was going to be tough.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Friends?

F-R-I-E-N-D-S.

Did he really mean that, or did he mean just taking it slow? And what did that even mean? He said _start there._ Start where? From the very beginning, we were never just friends, not really. It was always more. Even before the first kiss, we held hands and flirted and were inseparable. Furthermore, we had only spent a handful of hours together and that had led to a lot more than hand holding and kissing.

I was obsessively replaying every bit of that conversation over and over again-like I could decode it or something. I was furiously packing things into my old house on the white sandy beach in California, hoping and praying Edward would not be coming home.

After I was finished, I walked out onto the beach and sat. I took off my shoes and dug my toes in the warm, grainy sand, watching the sun make its decent. I left a couple of days after I had talked to Jake on the porch. I hadn't seen him again. He called, though, and that was okay-a little awkward at first, but it seemed a little easier each time. I just felt like I had to hold myself back, and I could tell by the strain in his voice and the suspicious clearing of his throat, or the way he left sentences unfinished, and we both avoided certain topics, that he was to.

I knew Edward was there before he said anything. He sat down next to me after a few silent moments, and he started to swing his arm around me but then thought better of it.

"Bella, I'm sorry," he stated lamely, his voice soft and strained.

"I know," I sighed and then turned to meet his stormy green eyes. "I'm sorry, too."

He scrunched his nose up. "For what, love?"

"Honestly, Edward, I was never really completely in this. Of course, neither were you. It wasn't fair for me to pretend we could keep this up forever. And truthfully, I'm tired of pretending," I admitted. I saw a flash of pain in his eyes before he schooled his features into that familiar mask. But after another silent moment, it dropped again, his eyes softened, and he took my hands in both of his.

"Bella, I know I've been pretty guarded. Partly because you were. I've always known that your heart was never really mine to have…" He trailed off, and I raised my eyebrows, slightly surprised that he knew that. He smiled sadly and looked down at our joined hands. "But that's still no excuse."

"Why?" I asked. I was actually curious why he cheated. He never seemed like the type, and I sensed now that maybe he loved me more than I had realized, and it was me that had pushed him so far away. But even so, he really wasn't the type. He sighed heavily and squeezed my hand before answering.

"Honestly, Bella, I don't know. I felt like you were pulling further and further away from me, and I really wasn't sure what to do. I just wanted to feel… I don't know… wanted, needed. And then Tanya showed up. She was my girlfriend back in high school, and I hadn't seen her in ten years. I had broken her heart back then, and it was obvious she still held a torch for me." He paused for a moment and sighed again. I squeezed his hand back reassuringly.

"Edward, I know you made a mistake, and I forgive you. But we're over. We have to be. It's only fair," I said quietly, trying not to be hurtful.

"I know, love. Just know that I really do love you." He looked up, his eyes shiny and practically glowing. It was the first time I'd ever seen how much he really loved me. Enough to let me go.

Did I love Jake that much? Enough to give him time? I knew I did. After my conversation with Edward, he helped me pack up the last few things into my truck, and I took off. He kissed me once, sweetly, and I let two tears fall.

As I drove through California again, on my way back to rainy old Washington, I kept thinking about Jake. I loved him, but I had left him, and he had created a whole life for himself. As much as it freaked me out to become a part of Chase's life too, I knew I wanted it. Badly. I wanted Jake and Chase and a family. I didn't know how I was going to have to prove myself to Jake, to win back his heart, but I guessed moving back to Forks and just being there every day, even as just his friend, was a start.

When I finally pulled into that gravel driveway after two days of driving, I was exhausted but pleased to find two handsome boys with the same russet skin, dark, smiling brown eyes, and bright, glowing smiles sitting on my front steps.

"Hey, Bells," Jake greeted, pulling me in for a hug and taking my bags. "This is Chase." He gestured to the adorable, bright-eyed little boy, half hidden behind his leg. I bent down to be eye level with the dark-haired kid and smiled warmly.

"Hi, Chase. I'm Bella," I said softly, offering my hand. He looked down at my hand once and then back up to my eyes. It seemed he had that same ability as his dad to see deep into my soul through my eyes. After a tense minute of him studying me, he smiled and flung himself into my arms, wrapping his tiny arms around my neck. I hugged him back, and it felt so right, and I felt myself let go a little more of the hurt, the guilt and the past.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

So, moving back without a job wasn't the greatest idea_-Spontaneous, adventurous_, or whatever other colorful word Leah used to cheer me up during my job search, but smart wasn't one of them. I was substitute teaching, and that was okay, except it left too many empty days with nothing to do but sit and think about Jake.

I analyzed practically everything he did. It was completely ridiculous. But being around him again, I was quickly falling in love with him all over again. I mean, ugly, head over feet kind of falling. I was obsessive and neurotic and so completely in love with that hunk of a man I couldn't even be in the same room as him sometimes. But I was, constantly, because, let's face it, I'd rather be with him than without him, no matter how hard it was to keep my hands to myself. Moving back for Jacob wasn't exactly the greatest and smartest idea either. _Romantic and heart-driven and about damn time_-Leah's words again.

And he didn't make matters any easier. He was always holding my hand or throwing his arm around me and tucking me into his side while we sat on the couch during movie nights. Sometimes, I stopped breathing or had to run into the bathroom and splash cold water on my face just because his hand brushed against mine. I constantly either wanted to cry and fall on my face, or beg him to take me back, or just jump on him, kiss him fiercely and beg him to fuck me senseless. Yeah, I knew it was real classy and ladylike. But I really didn't feel like much of a lady these days. Especially when I was fantasizing about Jake.

Even with all the affection—'cause, really, that's just how Jake is—I was sure we were still just friends. Actually, I was starting to suspect, after being back for several months, that that's all it would ever be. There was no heat when he looked at me anymore. I missed that. I hadn't realized how much until it was gone.

I sat contemplating all this, not paying attention to the movie we were watching until the ringing of Jake's phone snapped me back to reality. I heard a high-pitched female voice ranting on the other end. Jake listened for a minute and then sighed heavily.

"All right, I'll come get him and take him home," Jake said impatiently. He snapped the phone shut and turned to me. I quirked my eyebrow.

"Paul," Jake sighed and I immediately understood. Paul was Jake's sister Rachel's husband. And his mom had just passed away recently-the only family he had left. He was a recovering alcoholic, but the last couple of weeks, Jake had been sent to fetch him out of the local bar. I nodded, understanding, and small, sad smile was on my face. He scrunched up his eyebrows and looked between me and Chase, who was still wide awake and sprawled out on the floor in front of us.

"It's fine, Jake. I don't mind watching him," I answered his unspoken question. That was another thing; he was reluctant to let me too much into his life with Chase. I understood-I did-but it still added to the whole trust issue between us. He smiled sheepishly and then hopped up, kissing Chase on the head, grabbing his keys off the counter, and saying he'd be right back as he headed out the door.

A little while later, Chase had decided he wanted to draw for a bit before he went to bed, so I got him out some crayons and paper and set him up at the kitchen table while I did the dishes.

"Bella, come look at my picture!" he yelled happily. I smiled brightly and walked around, crouching down next to him to admire his artwork.

"That's you, that's me, and that's daddy!" he exclaimed as he pointed to each one of his stick figures. I couldn't help it. I got all choked up. It seemed like this little boy just plucked that dream straight out of my head. I quickly tried to blink back the tears, but he didn't miss anything.

"Bella?" he asked hesitantly.

"Hmm?" I responded, not trusting my voice to not crack.

"Why are you sad?" he asked softly. I blinked a few more times and turned my eyes back to look into those deep, chocolate brown eyes.

"I'm not sad, sweetheart," I lied. He cocked his head to the side just like Jake did and pursed his lips. After a moment, his eyes dropped to his lap.

"I am," he stated.

"Why are you sad, honey?" I asked tenderly, my hand coming up to stroke his curly black locks as my lip quivered.

"Because." He sniffled.

"Because why?" I prodded. For some reason, I didn't think I was going to like the answer. Then he turned those big, dark eyes up to me, and I almost lost it.

"Because I want you to be my mommy," he said earnestly, hopefully. I swallowed thickly as fresh tears collected in both our eyes and I searched for the words to say. What could I say? I wanted that, too. So I sighed, biting my lip, and pulled him into my arms, letting his tears wet my shirt. After a few long minutes of me holding and rocking Chase, I pulled back and wiped the tears from his plump cheeks.

"Hey." I tried my best to sound cheery, but I thought my voice shook too much for it to be authentic. "Why don't you go pick out a book, and I'll come read it to you before you go to sleep, okay?" I suggested. He nodded eagerly and rushed down the hall. My shoulders slumped forward, and a few tears escaped my hold as I leaned my forehead against the edge of the table.

I felt his warm arms wrap around me and pull me up, turning me into his chest and stroking my hair. He didn't say anything, and I knew he'd heard what Chase said. His silence was deafening. Truthfully, it spoke volumes. Whether he loved me or not, I broke this, and there was no fixing it. No matter what I did, I suddenly wasn't sure if it would ever be enough-if there would ever be enough time.

I steadied myself and kept my word to Chase. I read him a few stories until his eyes finally closed. I leaned my head against the headboard of his small twin bed and took a few deep breaths, just savoring this moment. It was true that at first I had been freaked out about Jake having a child, and I had literally run screaming in the other direction. But now, now I was dying to not only be with Jake, but be with this little boy. He had stolen my heart, and I was aching for the part.

My purse was on my shoulder, my hand twisting around the door knob when his deep voice stopped me.

"Leaving?" he asked. I didn't turn around. I just couldn't handle seeing that mask in place or that guard that he always had up when I was feeling so exposed and vulnerable. So I just nodded and swallowed thickly, waiting for his response. I couldn't help the false hope that he might ask me to stay from bubbling up inside of me. He was quiet for a long, breathless moment.

"Okay," he said finally, so softly it was barely audible. I left quickly, holding in the tears until I was a few miles down the road, where I pulled over and just let myself fall apart. I knew it was my fault, but that didn't stop the pain from ripping me open or my heart from bleeding mercilessly.

I loved him, desperately, recklessly, wholly.

But it wasn't enough.


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

A week later, and still no word from Jake. I cried myself to sleep the first couple of nights, even stayed in bed for a whole day. Thank god it was Sunday, and I didn't have to go to work. I wouldn't have been able to if I'd had to. I felt that all too familiar longing and hopelessness sneak its way back into my life. But, for some reason, it was so much worse this time. The blinding, burning pain of losing Jake all over again, and now losing Chase, too… it was all just too much.

"Bella! Christ, girl, get out of this fucking bed!" Leah roared, ripping my covers away. What happened to the sweet Leah? I guessed the honeymoon phase was over.

"Leah!" I whined, and she rolled her eyes at my childlike behavior.

"Enough of this already. Get up!" she ordered, pulling on my arms until I stood up. I really looked a mess. My brown hair was tangled and disheveled and my threadbare sleep shorts and tank top rumpled from the long Friday night and Saturday morning I had spent lying this bed. My eyes hurt from all the crying, and I was sure they looked all red and puffy. I stood there for a few minutes, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes while Leah appraised me. "Jesus, Bella, get it together!"

"Leah…" I warned tiredly. I just felt so tired-tired of fighting, tired of pretending, tired of running, tired of crying. I had been living back in for Forks for almost four months, had been working, being the daughter I hadn't been, the friend I hadn't been, and trying to fit myself into Jake and Chase's lives too. But it wasn't enough. Jake was still guarded, still pushing me away. What happened to that guy that whispered 'forever' and kissed me on the beach? The man who loved me with reckless abandon the night of Leah's wedding? The longer I stayed, the more distant he had become. I understood that he was trying to protect himself, protect Chase, but what did I have to do to prove myself? I had apologized, repeatedly, moved back here, and been at his beck and call ever since. Never enough.

"Come on, Bella. Let's get you cleaned up. We'll have a girl's day, and then maybe we can go out tonight. I'm sure Embry'd like to hang out with the guys anyway," she said, her voice a little softer, and she approached me, smoothing my hair that lay lifelessly against my shoulders. I sighed heavily and just nodded. Really, I knew Leah wasn't going to just let me lay here and feel sorry for myself.

I went to take a shower and dressed in the outfit Leah picked out: some cute jeans and a low cut black shirt. I ran my fingers through my hair and let it just dry naturally, curling as it did. We spent most of the afternoon in Port Angeles, walking around the familiar, quaint shops and eating a small, early dinner at a sandwich shop. Later, Leah dragged me into some smoky bar with bright neon lights and a rowdy crowd. I drank whatever fruity concoction Leah had ordered me and slowly felt myself start to relax.

"Hey, beautiful!" a deep, male voice boomed behind me. I spun around in my seat to find Emmett, one of Edward's old roommates, standing behind me with a big, cheesy grin.

"Emmett!" I squealed and flung my arms around his neck. He wrapped his big, burley arms around me, squeezing me into one of his infamous bear hugs and lifting my feet off the ground. "What are you doing here?" I asked breathlessly once he released me, and I could breathe again.

"Well, I met this girl, moved up here to be with her, and then the bitch broke my heart!" he recounted, and I laughed. Maybe it was kind of mean to laugh, but that was Emmett. He was very spontaneous and rarely thought things through. And he'd been 'brokenhearted' more times than I could count. He smiled at me and then winked as he leaned in to whisper low and huskily into my ear.

"Guess that means I'm all yours now." His voice held a joking quality to it, but his words were still thick with implications. Emmett and I had always gotten along well, and he was always flirting. Not just with me, either. But now that Edward was out of the picture, I wondered just how innocent his motives were. I swallowed nervously, and his smug smirk only widened. "Come dance with me."

His deep baritone rumbled through me, and I found myself nodding. He took my hand in his and led me out onto the dance floor. It was nice to have some male attention, to see that heat and desire in his dreamy, gray-blue eyes. His touch wasn't the same as Jake's. It was too warm, and I didn't feel that instant electricity or longing erupt along my skin. But it was nice all the same. And for just a minute, it was easy to lose myself in him—easy enough that he bought me a few more drinks, and I found myself laughing and flirting back. I ran my hands seductively up his thick arms, and I saw his eyes darken and cloud over with lust.

Maybe it was the numbing, dizzying effect of the alcohol, or his obvious attraction to me, or the depth of those blue eyes when they locked with mine, but I found myself wrapped up in his arms with his lips hovering just a breath away from mine. My eyes fluttered closed and my lips parted, even though somewhere in the back of my mind, my heart was screaming in protest. And then his full, warm lips were on mine, soft and gently moving and melding, his tongue darting out to slide along my lower lip, and aching slowly and oh-so-tenderly dipping in to explore my mouth.

And it felt nice. There were no fireworks, and before I could lose myself in this man and do something I would regret, something even more traitorous to my broken heart, I pulled away. Emmett leaned his forehead against mine and his hands stilled on my hips. Our bodies were stilled pressed up against each other. I slowly extracted myself from his embrace and smiled shyly up at him. He had a knowing look in his eye, but before either of us could say anything, a shocked and familiar voice called out behind me.

"Bella?" The deep male voice asked, and I turned slowly to face him. Quil's jaw was slack, his expression incredulous as he took in the scene in front of him.

"Hey, man!" I heard Emmett greet him. I was frozen in shock as I watched the two men greet each other in a familiar handshake.

"Um, you know each other?" I asked, still a little stunned. Even though Quil had smoothed his features, I could see the accusation and anger in his dark eyes.

"Uh, yeah. The girl that broke my heart was Quil's lovely sister," Emmett informed me.

"Rose?" I asked, my mind reeling. "I didn't know she had moved back."

"Oh, yeah, uh, a few weeks ago. She's living here in Port Angeles," Quil explained, a little awkwardly.

"So how do you know Bella?" Emmett asked as he slung an arm around my shoulders. Okay, so maybe he didn't understand why I had pulled away earlier. I mentally facepalmed myself. Fuck. This was going to be a sticky situation. Quil's eyes were on Emmett's arm, his eyebrow quirked as he spoke.

"Uh, we grew up together," he said vaguely. Before it could get any more awkward, Leah stepped outside and saved the day.

"Bella! I've been looking all over for—" Her voice cut off as she took in the uncomfortable scene in front of her. Emmett's arm dropped from around me, and Leah hooked her arm in mine. "Oh, hey, Quil. Didn't know you'd be here. Anyone else here?" she asked not so subtly. I felt a sudden rise of panic, wondering if Jake was here myself, and my eyes darted around nervously.

"Nah, just meeting a couple of guys from school up here," he said, his eyes locking with mine for a moment. I wondered if he was going to tell Jake about what he'd seen. I was pretty sure he was by the way he was looking at me. I started to grow angry, the familiar fire boiling in my veins and heating up my face. Why should Jake care anyway? He'd made it clear he didn't want me. And even if I was still so in love with him, was it so wrong for me to try and finally move on if he never loved me back? I huffed indignantly and turned towards Leah.

"You ready to go?" I asked, anger and venom leaking into my voice.

"Uh, sure," she answered, a little unsure of my mood and actions.

"Great." Then I turned to Emmett and smiled as sexily as I could and batted my lashes once for good measure. "So, my number's still the same; call me." I winked as I practically purred my words. I then leaned over and kissed him once on the cheek. He grinned at me, and then I turned my attention to Quil.

"See ya' later, Quil," I said as sugary sweetly as I could and then leaned over and kissed him on the cheek too. And then Leah and I turned as quickly as we could to leave.

"You know he's going to tell Jake, right?" Leah asked as we drove the familiar roads back to Forks. I snorted.

"Whatever. I mean, if Jake wanted me, I've been here, every day. Every _fucking_ day for the last four months. I made no secret of why I moved back or that I wanted to be with him. That I loved him and his son. Accepted both of them. I apologized over and over again, Leah. But it's never enough. I mean, I made a mistake. A goddamn mistake that he won't let me fix!" I ranted, red hot fury building up inside of me and exploding onto my tongue.

Leah didn't comment, just drove quietly home, reaching over and patting my leg once. When she started taking an unfamiliar route, I looked over at her questioningly.

"My house," she said, and I was suddenly a lot more nervous. Leah lived in La Push, on the Rez, and I was sure that was just too close to Jake for me tonight. As angry as I felt a few moments ago, now I just felt a nervous, anxious, sickening dread settle into my gut.

I loved him, and I was here. Why couldn't that be enough? Enough to give me another chance? Enough to love me back? The hot, salty tears started falling before I could blink them away, and a strangled sob escaped my lips. Leah didn't say anything, just took my hand in hers and squeezed gently. I let my eyes close and drifted off to sleep. I felt Embry's warm arms carry me inside and lay me on the bed in their guest room. Leah took off my shoes and wrapped the blankets around me. I sniffled as a few more tears escaped my tired eyes, and she shushed me and smoothed back my hair from my face.

At some point, I felt the bed dip down, and two warm warms pulled me into a strong, muscular chest. I tensed slightly but kept my eyes closed and tried to quiet the furious pounding of my heart and the tears that threatened to fall.

"I love you," he whispered softly, his voice strained and broken as his arms tightened around me, and he placed one gentle kiss against my temple. Two tears slid lazily down my cheeks. I swallowed thickly before answering.

"Me too," I said, my voice so soft it was almost inaudible.


	15. Chapter 15

I woke up, and the room was still bathed in darkness. I wasn't quite sure what woke me up. I could hear the furious pounding of rain against the window but nothing else. And I was cold as my hands slid along the cool, cotton sheets, searching for him. But he wasn't there. For a moment, I wondered if I had just imagined it, dreamed it up. It wouldn't have been the first time I was so desperately craving him that I met him in my dreams. For five long years that was the only place I still saw him. A strangled, horrible sounding sob broke from my chest, and the tears flooded my eyes, spilling over and wetting my lashes with heartache and longing.

I sat up quickly, my hand clasped over my mouth, and I froze as I took in the large frame of a man hunched over, sitting on the edge of the bed, not five feet away. His elbows were propped up on his knees and his face buried in his hands. He turned to face me, and by the flash of lightening that suddenly illuminated his face, I saw the tear tracks along his russet skin. We sat there for a moment, still and unmoving, for what seemed like forever before he finally reached for me. I climbed into his arms as he wrapped them around me, so tight, but not nearly tight enough to keep me from falling apart. My head rested against his shoulder, and I cried for a long time. His shoulder shook with his silent sobs as he held onto me with a desperate, clinging force.

Finally, he pulled away, and I fought the cry that wanted to escape at the loss of his touch. A small whimper came out instead. He didn't say anything, just got up and started to cross the room. A sharp stabbing, searing pain struck me, my heart open and bleeding as I scrambled out of bead and grasped his arm.

"Don't leave. At least talk to me. Say something!" I yelled, my voice high pitched and desperate with my plea. He turned around so quick, his eyes almost glowing in the moonlight as the rain fell even harder against the house.

"What do you want me to say, Bella?" he asked. His voice sounded tired and unsure, but so heartbroken too.

"I want you to say you love me. I want you to say you'll give us… _me_ another chance! I want you to stop fucking punishing me for something that happened when I was just a stupid kid!" I yelled, white hot anger rolling through my veins.

"You walked away, Bella. You left. Do you know how much that fucking killed me?" he retorted, his voice cracking with pain and anger.

"I know," I said softly, "nut I came back." He sighed heavily, taking both my small hands in his and bringing them up to place a kiss there as he stared intently into my eyes.

"Bella, what do you want me to say? I love you so much, honey. So very much. I wish so badly that I knew how to get rid of all this that separates us." He motioned with our joined hands to the space between us. "The guilt, the anger, the resentment, the pain… Every time I see you with my son, Bella, I want to cry. It hurts so bad to know that you should be the mother of my kids. I know you left. I know you came back and uprooted your whole life for me, for us. But I don't know how to let all those feelings go. I feel like I betrayed you!" he cried, his voice choked with the intensity of his emotions, and I couldn't have held in the tears even if I tried.

I didn't even know how to respond. I'd thought maybe he just didn't love me anymore, couldn't love me anymore. And maybe the latter was partly true, but more than that, he still blamed himself, not me. He couldn't forgive himself, and I had no idea how to assure him that it was me, not him. That I was the one who made the mistakes, who left, abandoned him. That he had just managed to have somewhat of a life, and I didn't blame him for that; I just desperately wanted to be a part of it now. But none of those words made it to my lips as we just stared at each other for an eternity of silent moments. Finally, when the silence grew so thick I couldn't take it anymore, I spoke.

"Jake, I'm here now. I can't change the past, and neither can you. I love you. I can still be the mother to your kids. I can still be everything you need me to be," I pleaded, more tears falling down my already stained cheeks. I searched his eyes and saw a fire dancing there, the heat I thought had been extinguished still there, flickering in his smoldering eyes.

"I know I've been hurting you, Bella, and it… it _kills_ me," he said softly, "but this," he took my hand and placed it flat against his beating heart, "has always been yours. Maybe just give me a little more time, to sort through this, to figure out these feelings…" He trailed off, watching my brows knit together in concentration.

"More time?" I asked disbelievingly. He nodded and swallowed a little nervously, gripping my hand a little firmer like he was afraid he had just asked too much. I tried to read his eyes, but all I saw was love and fear shining there.

"Jake," I started shakily, "I love you. Please come back to me." I let go of his hand and stepped away, giving him permission to leave. He studied me for a minute and then closed the distance and took me in his arms.

"Honey, I love you. Please don't give up on us. Just give me some time, okay?" he breathed, his husky voice close to my ear sending a shiver down my spine. I nodded, and he held me close for a few more minutes before turning to leave. Just as he was, a thought occurred to me.

"Hey, how did you know I was here?" I asked curiously. He shrugged.

"Embry had some of the guys over. Rachel has been staying at our house the last couple of nights and offered to watch Chase. I was here when you got here. You don't remember me carrying you out of the car?" he chuckled as my eyes widened, and I realized those two warm arms weren't Embry's but Jacob's.

And then I realized that meant Jacob hadn't talked to Quil. _Shit_. Oh, yeah, all that talk of me waiting and being here was going to sound real sincere once Jake found out I was kissing someone else. After Jake left, I sunk down onto the bed, hung my head in my hands, and let myself cry all over again.

I chastised myself when I realized this was exactly what I always did-sit and cry instead of fixing it. With that new determination and adrenaline pumping through my system, I grabbed my shoes and keys and bolted out the door.

I had to find Quil before he found Jake.


	16. Chapter 16

Standing on Leah and Embry's front porch, I stared helplessly as the sky opened up and rain came plummeting down, soaking the earth and making the trees greener. I sighed heavily and cursed my bad luck. What was I supposed to do? Run to Quil's? Or maybe I should run to Jake's. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and talk to Jake about this mess.

Something dark and violent twisted in my gut. I was worried that he'd feel betrayed, but angry that he might, too. I mean, he was the one who rejected me. He was the one that needed more time. It seemed like it was never enough-like I could never make up for leaving him all those years ago.

But I should tell him first; I should explain the situation before Quil did. That much I had realized as stood there barefoot with my shoes dangling in my hand, the sun slowly rising, and my eyes blurry and unfocused.

How could it possibly get any worse? I decided to make a run for it. My naked feet hit the soft mud, and I splashed my way down the narrow road that led to Jake's. By the time that little red house came into view, I was huffing and panting, my sides aching and my heart racing.

I stopped to catch my breath a few yards away. I was soaked to the bone and shivering as my wet hair clung to my skin. I walked closer, and I noticed him sitting as still as a statue on his front porch steps. His dark hair was inky black with the rain falling against it; his elbows were propped up on his knees and his head in his hands.

I wasn't sure if he'd heard me as I moved closer, my toes squishing in the rain soaked earth. When I was about ten feet away, he looked up. His eyes were glossy, but something, some indefinable emotion flickered across them as he stared at me for what seemed to be the longest minute of my life. The rain continued to beat against my freezing skin, the risen sun blocked by the threatening gray clouds. He stood up and walked towards me, his large frame towering over me and beads of rainwater tumbling down his face and arms.

"Jake, I—"

"Don't, Bella." His voice was harsh and cold, and it caused a surge of anger to flare in my chest. "Just, don't."

"But—"

"No, Bella. Quil told me you were kissing some guy at the bar last night. And maybe I have no right to be mad, to get upset and jealous... but I am. I know I've pushed you away, I know I've been hurting you, and it kills me, Bella." His voice cracked and hot, fresh tears trickled down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. He grabbed my shoulders and pulled me close to him. "Dammit, Bella. I just don't know how to fix this."

"Jake," I cried, feeling the defeat in his voice. My voice was pleading. "Please..." His hands dropped from my shoulders, and he shoved his fingers roughly through his inky black hair. He looked at the ground for a minute and then back at me.

"I'm always going to think you might leave again," he said quietly, his voice soft and broken. I swallowed, fighting the tide of emotion that was threatening to take me under.

"Jake, I'm not going to leave. Can't you understand? It almost killed me." I was crying, pleading, my voice hoarse and choked, and my stomach was churning with the mix of last night's alcohol and regret and dread.

"I don't know if I can," he answered after a long minute, his black eyes still locked on mine. We were still standing so close I could feel the rise and fall of his chest, and I shoved away from him, turning my back and clutching my sides as I tried to keep myself together, as I tried to stop the brutal pain from tearing through me.

A moment later, I felt his warm, strong arms wrap around me, and his lips pressed to my ear. "Let me take you home," he whispered. All I could do was nod. He gathered me up in his arms, and I closed my eyes tightly as he sat me in the seat of his car. I laid my head against the cool glass of the window and watched the rain drip down and the green forest pass me by as Jake took me back to Charlie's.

My hand was on the handle, not a second after he pulled into the drive. I wanted nothing more than to get away from him, so I could fall apart alone and let the sadness, defeat, and regret consume me.

"Bella, I—" His hand was on my knee, and the lingering touch made me ache, made my heart splinter and break. My eyes were still turned towards the door, and he moved his hand, seizing my free one and squeezing. "Please look at me."

I shook my head, scrunching my eyes shut as more tears fell. My breathing was ragged and uneven, and I swallowed back the heart-wrenching agony and opened the door. He didn't let go at first. I felt his strong, steady hand grip mine tighter and my soul being ripped apart, my heart bleeding. I wanted to look down to see if my chest really had been ripped open, if my heart was laid there, bare and broken but still beating for him to witness. I felt like this much physical pain should show some evidence; instead, I just felt the cold, shivering, rainwater seeping into my chilled skin.

But after another tense minute, where the air felt thick and suffocating, he let me go. Just like he had before. I froze for the briefest of seconds as memories of that day I left, of the day he let me go, flashed vividly in my mind. I walked up the front steps, through the door, and didn't look back.

Once inside the confines of my room, something inside me broke and fell helplessly against the wooden floor, weeping and sobbing, ugly sounds and wails coming from my throat.

I didn't leave my room for three days. Charlie checked on me, and so did Leah. But I barely heard anything they said. I knew I couldn't stay in bed. I knew I had to keep on living, that it was insane and ridiculous to feel like dying because I had lost Jake. But I just couldn't find the strength.

Late Tuesday night, I peeled myself away from my soaked sheets and took a hot, steamy shower. I let the water work over my tired muscles, wash away the tear tracks, the smell of Jake's skin on mine, and the feelings of regret and pain. I stood there until the water ran cold. When I got out, I wrapped a towel around myself and brushed through my long, tangled hair, removing the knots and feeling kind of numb as I stared at the ghost in the mirror.

When I walked back into my room, lit only by a small, bedside lamp and the glow of a full moon, I nearly dropped my towel at the sight in front of me. There were several dozen roses in shades of red, white, and pink scattered about my room, and a letter in Jake's scrawl sitting on my desk. I opened it with shaking fingers and read the words over and over until my tears landing on the soft paper made the ink bleed.

_Bella-_

_I'm so sorry. Sorry for hurting you, sorry for breaking your heart. I was scared and blind and still hurting myself. The same way I have been since I let you leave that day. And not just that day when we were eighteen, but that day at my house, the other day in my car. I can't do this again, Bella. I thought it would be better. To not set myself up to lose you again. But I was lying to myself and to you. Please forgive me. I just can't lose you again. I can't live without you again._

_I wanted to say all this in person, to see your eyes, to feel your lips, but I wasn't sure if you would even want to see me, and I had to at least tell you. I had to at least try. I love you, Bella. It's always been you. Please come home._

_Forever,_

_Jake_

It was only a minute later when I made the decision. I grabbed a bag, stuffed as much of my stuff into it as possible, and then threw on a pair of jeans and a long sleeve t-shirt before running out the door. I was pushing the gas in my ancient truck, and I made it to the reservation in no time at all. He was standing on the porch, with Chase's hand in his, when I pulled up. I grabbed the two suitcases I had managed to pack and stepped out of the truck into the chilly night air.

Our eyes met across the distance, and I shrugged my shoulders. A smile broke out across his face, and in three long strides, I was engulfed in his arms again. I dropped the suitcases, flinging my arms around his neck as he squeezed and twirled me around. He pulled back, his lips finally meeting mine in an intimate embrace.

"I love you," he breathed when we broke apart for air.

"I love you, too." I looked over his shoulder and saw Billy and Chase still standing on the steps. I offered a smile, and Chase broke out into a run.

"Bella!" He reached me, and I picked him up and hugged him close. "Are you staying?"

"Yes," I answered, and it felt so good to say. A feeling of deep contentment and knowing settled deep into my bones. Jake picked up the suitcases in one hand, wrapped his other one around me while I carried Chase, and we walked inside, the soft moonlight illuminating our frames against the black night sky.

* * *

A/N: Thanks jkane180!


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